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What Rebecca Really Means

Last week Rebecca, in a selfless and lucid act, translated Matt Granfield. This week, to restore the balance, I have attempted to clarify what Rebecca really means. Translations are situationally categorised for easy reference.

Day to Day Conversation

How was your day? Ask me about my day.

I had a bad day today. Sit down. Don’t say anything, except for when I ask you if she was being a bitch, in which case, the answer is ‘yes, so and so is a total bitch’. Don’t expect to watch Top Gear tonight. You might get a toilet break in a couple of hours, as long as it’s only a wee. Also, we won’t be having sex tonight, or until further notice.

You’re not interested in me: It’s been two minutes since you asked me about my feelings.

What do you think? I’m going to look at my phone for a while now.

It’s Saturday. What do you want to do today? I want to get the papers, read them at the kitchen table for a couple of hours, do a load of washing, look at shoes on the internet and eat chips for dinner.

It’s Sunday. What do you want to do today? Can you please go and get the papers and a can of Coke Zero for me.

Dining Out

I don’t mind what we have for dinner, you decide. Seriously, I could eat whatever. I want fish and chips, three glasses of shiraz, and I want them served at 7.00pm from that specific restaurant over there. It’s now only 6.15pm so that gives us 45 mins to go and look at the menu of every other restaurant in the city, whereupon I can remind you I either don’t like that particular type of cuisine, or that we had that type of cuisine at some point in the last two years and I don’t feel like it again.

This is gross. This has vegetables in it.

This looks nice. This has been deep fried.

Driving

I’ll drive. I’ll drive for three minutes and then you drive.

That’s too far away. That will take more than three minutes.

I don’t know how to get there. I have driven past there every weekday for the last 12 months.

I don’t like driving. It’s much easier to put makeup on in the car if you’re driving.

Left: Right

Right: You should have turned right a kilometre ago.

Weight

I feel so gross. I had chocolate for breakfast again.

I’m not hungry, I’m just going to have a glass of wine for dinner. I ate my lunch as soon as I got to work again and then felt guilty about it all day, so now I haven’t eaten for eight hours and my stomach is eating itself. I’m going to have a stupid fake chocolate diet shake thing for dinner and then I’m going to have three glasses of wine.