Translating Matt.

We know each other pretty well now, and can easily identify when the other is speaking crap.

A handy guide for understanding Matt, according to Bec:

Are you sleepy? – Can we have sex?

How’s your meal? – Can I have some?

Can I try just a little bit? – I’m going to eat more than half of it, and the best bit.

Matt teaches charm school in his spare time.

I was too busy to clean up this morning darling – I love having a long shower.

I was running late this morning – I stepped over the dog poo because it is gross.

Let’s go for a drive today – Let’s go four-wheel-driving for 5 hours.

Should we drive tonight? – I’m going to get maggot, so, what are you going to do?

I can’t remember how much it cost – You’re going to yell at me, so I’m not going to tell you.

I was too busy at work to run those errands today darling, I’m sorry – I got an ice-cream at lunch.

I don’t know, I think they’re a little boring to be honest – They weren’t into my music or jokes.

Yes darling, I filled Molly’s water bowl – No I did not.

How lovely – Why do you keep buying Mad Men dresses?

My television program is on! – Please don’t talk through the fourth re-run of Top Gear unless it will lead to sex.

Health and Fitness

Does evening primrose oil work?

Bec: I went to the chemist to see if they had something for PMS and they recommended evening primrose oil, so I bought some.

Matt: Great. Do they have morning version as well?

Bec: No, that’s what it’s called. Evening primrose oil.

Matt: Does it work in the mornings?

Bec: It works all the time.

Matt: Excellent. What is it?

Bec: I don’t know. But it’s good for PMS.

Matt: Let’s Google it.

Bec: OK. It looks like it’s part of the Oenothera family.

Matt: It says here that you’re supposed to take evening primrose oil when you’re pregnant and that it helps cervical ripening.

Bec: I think you can do that, but it’s also good for PMS, the chemist said.

Matt: Good. What’s cervical ripening?

Bec: Do you really want to know?

Matt: No.

Bec: OK, well, anyway, I can take it throughout the month and it will work.

Matt: What does the ‘P’ in PMS stand for anyway. Is it ‘pre’ or ‘post’.

Bec: It’s ‘pre’.

Matt: Gosh that’s awful. So what happens when you hit menopause then? I know it’s a long way away, but what happens when you hit menopause?

Bec: What do you mean?

Matt: Well, if you have ‘pre menopausal stress’ for, like, 40 years, does it stop once you go ‘post’ menopausal?

Bec: PMS doesn’t stand for ‘pre menopausal stress’, it stands for ‘pre menstrual stress’.

Matt: Oh. I thought it was ‘pre menopausal stress’.

Bec: No.

Matt: So why are you in a bad mood so often then? If it was ‘pre menstrual’ wouldn’t you just be in a bad mood just before you had your period?

Bec: I’m only in a bad mood just before I get my period. On the Tuesday night before, remember?

Matt: *Cough*

Bec: What do you mean “*cough*”?

Matt: Nothing. I think it’s great that you have evening primrose oil.

Bec: OK.

Matt: Why did my mum call it ‘PMT’?

Bec: What did the ‘T’ stand for?

Matt: ‘Tension’.

Bec: She was probably tense because after she had you she probably decided the best thing to do would be to spare the human race and never have sex ever again. The decision would have been greeted with joy from the rest of the population, but, I imagine, a lot of tension forthwith for her.

Matt: Well that’s obviously not true because she had my brother.

Bec: Well maybe the ‘P’ stood for ‘post’ and the ‘M’ stood for ‘Matt’ then. I suffer from post Matt tension quite regularly.

Matt: Post marriage tension, more like. From not having sex enough.

Bec: That’s not fair.

Matt: Actually, you’re right. It’s not that you haven’t wanted to have sex since we got married, you’ve just have PMS and have been too busy telling me you hate me because I’m too pedantic when I cook breakfast for you and I have outrageous demands like wanting the toast to be ready at the same time as the bacon.

Bec: You’re not ‘pedantic’ in the kitchen, you’re a control freak.

Matt: Well maybe I should take evening primrose oil when I cook then.

Bec: I think you should take evening primrose oil whenever you decide to open your mouth.

Matt: I would, but I don’t want to get any cervical ripening.


How do we start this? Weet-Bix?

Matt: So shouldn’t this joint blog thing start at the beginning, rather than the fight we had in Pompeii on our honeymoon? Actually, I will rephrase that for the record, we didn’t have a fight in Pompeii on our honeymoon, you chucked a tantrum because you thought you weren’t going to get lunch and I was trying to find the ancient Roman amphitheatre and you wanted to see more dead plaster bodies and there weren’t any, anywhere. Except for that one. Which was pretty lame.

Rebecca: And, you were being a dick.

Matt: I wasn’t being a dick.

Rebecca: You were being a dick. Anyway, what do you mean by starting this blog ‘at the beginning’. Do you mean when we met for the first time when you saw my arse, like you mentioned in your wedding speech? I can’t believe you did that by the way. Why didn’t you talk about how much you loved me instead of my fat arse?

Matt: I talked about your arse for two seconds. And I said it wasn’t fat. I said in my wedding speech I was very pleasantly surprised that your arse wasn’t fat because we met ‘on the internet’ after you started following me on Twitter and all I could see from your Facebook photos was your face, and that you were so pretty I knew that you had to probably have a fat arse. And then when I met you outside your house on our first date your arse wasn’t fat at all. It was hot.

Rebecca: I’m sure you could have said something a little more meaningful than comment on the size of my arse.

Matt: It was a great speech. I’ve had numerous people come up to me independently and say it was the best speech they’ve ever heard. Very heartfelt. Very real.

Rebecca: I don’t believe we invited any deaf people to our wedding.

Matt: David and David said it was heartfelt.

Rebecca: Your brother?

Matt: No, David groomsman and David from work. Anyway. I think this blog thing should start at the beginning of our married life.

Rebecca: At the ceremony? That’s very sweet.

Matt: No, I don’t really remember the ceremony, it was too hot. I meant the wedding night.

Rebecca: The wedding night? No!

Matt: No, that’s the perfect place to start.

Rebecca: That’s too personal.

Matt: It’s not personal at all.

Rebecca: How is it not personal at all?

Matt: Because you came to bed, and then you got out of bed about five minutes later because you hadn’t eaten anything except lettuce and wholemeal pita bread for three months so you could fit into your dress and you wanted Weet-Bix…

Rebecca: You know that’s not true, as I hate vegetables, so I wasn’t eating lettuce. I was eating a lot of cheese though, and coke zero. You would remember this because you delicately told me that my breath stunk because of it…

Matt: And then you came back to bed and ate a bowl of Weet-Bix, in bed, on our wedding night. I would like the record to show that we consummated our marriage and subsequent life together with me having a diminishingly hopeful look on my face, and you eating a bowl of Weet-Bix. In bed. On our wedding night. Weet-Bix.

Rebecca: I ate Weet-Bix on our wedding night, AFTER what people do on their wedding night. Stop trying to get the sympathy vote by telling people all you got on our wedding night was disappointment. Especially given I had my Weet-Bix 12 minutes after being in bed with you.

Matt: OK, let’s not talk about our wedding night; let’s talk about your tantrum in Pompeii …