Categories
Blog Relationships

Matt realises it has been five years since the last blog post

After a fight on their honeymoon in 2012, Matt and Bec had decided to start a blog so they had a project to work on together. It was going to be a ‘relationship building’ exercise. This was when blogs were still a thing, before TikTok reduced the attention span of the average internet user to 1.75 seconds. At the time they were both writers living in the country with not much else to do. The project was a success and even spawned a broadly unread column in the local newspaper (when local newspapers were still a thing) about a young couple who moved to the country.

After three years of regular updates, the relationship building exercise seemed to have worked, and our heroes found themselves five weeks out from the birth of their fist child and up all night on a ‘babymoon‘. Fast forward another five years, and the blog had gone mysteriously dormant.

Matt: Hey Darling, do you know we haven’t blogged in five years? We should start blogging again.

Bec: No.

Matt: Why not?

Bec: Because that would mean I’d have to work with you and I have better things to do with my time than work with you.

Matt: I’ve seen you in your spare time. You sit on the couch watching old episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverley Hills and Million Dollar Listing New York.

Bec: As I said, I have better things to do than work with you.

Matt: Well, I think it would be relationship-building. And we have SO much to update our readers on. They’re all probably wondering what happened – whether we had the baby, whether we’re still in the country. All that.

Bec: What readers?

Matt: We have readers.

Bec: You mean your ex-girlfriend?

Matt: No. We have lots of readers. I’ll check Google Analytics and show you.

*Five minutes later*

Matt: At our peak, our blog averaged 12 visitors a day. That’s huge!

Bec: How long did that peak last?

Matt: One day. But it was a strong day.

Bec: Was that the day you kept refreshing the browser window to boost our following so you could sell ads on the blog?

Matt: Maybe.

Bec: I’m not blogging with you.

Matt: That’s OK. I know you’re busy right now. I’m just going to leave this computer here open and you can write something when you feel ready.

*Five minutes later*

Matt: You haven’t written anything yet.

Bec: Correct.

Matt: Why not?

Bec: I’m watching Million Dollar Listing New York. It’s an important episode. It’s the one where the millionaire gets angry because the agents can’t get the asking price.

Matt: That’s every episode of Million Dollar Listing New York.

Bec: I’m not blogging with you.

Matt: Fine. I’ll blog by myself.

Bec: Fine.

Matt: Just so you know, I’ll be telling everyone how you have terrible taste in TV shows.

Bec: That’s fine. I’ll start a TikTok account which is just short videos of you snoring and not taking the rubbish out.

Matt: Even with a potential global audience of a billion randoms, that won’t get more than one view a day.

Bec: And that will be one more than your blog will get.

Matt: Our blog.

Bec: Incorrect.

Categories
Featured Relationships

The Five (or so) Love Languages

Bec: You never listen to me.

Matt: I do listen to you.

Bec: I always talk about the five love languages. What are they?

Matt: You want me to name the five languages?

Bec: Yes, recite them.

Matt: Gift-giving is one.

Bec: Yes.

Matt: Touch is one.

Bec: Yes, well, physical touch, but OK, that’s pretty good. I’m impressed so far. Maybe I doubted you. What are the other three?

Matt: I know them.

Bec: OK.

Matt: Sex.

Bec: No.

Matt: How is that not a love language?

Bec: It’s not.

Matt: Something about talking.

Bec: No.

Matt: How is talking not a love language? Talking is a language.

Bec: It’s not.

Matt: I know them.

Bec: Want me to give you a hint?

Matt: No! I know them.

Bec: OK.

Matt: How many were there again?

Bec: How many ‘five love languages’ are there?

Matt: Yes.

Bec: Five.

Matt: Right.

Bec: Everyone has one. Do you know what MINE is?

Matt: French?

Categories
Relationships

We Celebrate our First Wedding Anniversary

Bec and Matt, dressed for their anniversary dinner at a BYO-egg restaurant in Brisbane.

It had been one year since they were married, so Matt and Bec decided they’d have an extra long weekend to celebrate. On the plus side, this meant they could go back to the city for a night, stay in a nice hotel and eat at a fancy Spanish restaurant. On the minus side, it also meant they were forced to talk to each other non-stop for five days.

Day One

Matt: I’m going to get my gun licence.

Bec: Are you that sick of me already that you want to knock me off? It’s not even our actual anniversary yet. Can you at least wait until after the 6th or Dad will be pissed that he gave us all that money for the wedding and we didn’t even last a year.

Matt: I’m not getting it now. You have to do a gun safety course first. I’ve booked into the course in November.

Bec: You should ask if they’ll give you Recognition of Prior Learning for using a Super Soaker.

Matt: No.

Bec: I need a hobby.

Matt: You have a hobby.

Bec: What’s my hobby?

Matt: Doing nothing is your hobby. You’re very good at it.

Bec: Have you considered joining the motivational speaking circuit?

Matt: I’m considering offering an online course to teach motivational speakers.

Bec: I want a sewing machine.

Day Two

Bec: I’ll go chop up some carrot for the chooks.

Matt: Do you know how to use a knife?

Day Three

Matt: So what type of entertainment can I provide as your tipsy passenger today?

Bec: Uggh. I had forgotten how horrible it is to be your designated driver.

Matt: We can have ‘Fact’ Matt, in which I tell you true facts about every destination. Or ‘Made-up Facts’ Matt – for example, this bridge here over the Bremer River was built in 1422 by the Chinese at the bequest of Emperor Yin Yang, who wanted to provide a stock route down from the mountains so woolly mammoth could graze on the lush Ipswich plains of the Redbank Plaza carpark.

Bec: Tell me a true fact.

Matt: The average Coles avocado is squeezed 423 times before purchase.

Bec: Really?

Matt: No, I made that up. But it sounds true.

Day Four

Sommelier: Do you need any assistance choosing the wine?

Matt: Yes. What can you recommend that’s quintessentially Spanish?

Bec: I like Shiraz.

Matt: That’s not Spanish.

Sommelier: This wine here is lovely. It’s from the Toro region. It’s Tempranillo, which is a bit like a Shiraz.

Matt: How much is it?

Sommelier: $235.

Matt: We’ll take it.

Bec: *glares at Matt*

Matt: What else do you have?

Sommelier: What sort of flavours do you like?

Matt: I like wine that tastes like wine. Bec likes wine that tastes like wood.

Sommelier: This Rioja Reserva has a nice balance of fruit and charred oak notes.

Bec: How much is it?

Sommelier: $65

Bec: Is that per bottle?

Sommelier: Per glass.

Matt: We’ll take it.

Bec: Do you have anything else? Maybe more…

Sommelier: More suitable for a ‘Sunday night’?

Bec: Yes. Thank you. That’s where I was going.

Sommelier: You’ll like this one, it’s oaky, it’s Spanish, it will go with the lamb you just ordered and it’s $25 a bottle.

Bec: Perfect.

Day Five

Bec: Thanks for not flushing the toilet darling. That was very sweet of you. Did you feel the need to leave me an extra special anniversary present?

Matt: Year one is the ‘paper’ anniversary. I left you some toilet roll.

Bec: And let me guess, next year is the ‘wood’ anniversary, right?

Matt: Next year is the ‘shut up’ anniversary.

Bec: Nope, actually, I’m just looking here now on my iPhone, next year is the ‘celibacy anniversary’, it commemorates the culmination of one whole year of celibacy.

Matt: You look very pretty tonight.

Bec: Too late.

Categories
Relationships

Leadership

Matt role modelling leadership behaviour with an ethnically representative sample of colleagues

Things have changed around the house a little since Matt began his MBA program and started taking leadership courses at work.

Matt: Rebecca, are you right for a quick 1:1 in about 15 minutes?

Bec: Why are you calling me Rebecca? And we’re sitting at the kitchen table together, I can talk now, what’s wrong?

Matt: Oh I’m sorry, I thought Rebecca was your preferred name. My apologies. I’ve just a few more things to get through now, however we can meet in the lounge room if you’re not comfortable here, and would prefer some privacy?

Bec: Privacy from who? Molly?

Matt: Does 15 minutes suit you?

Bec: I guess so, yes.

Matt: Good, I look forward to speaking with you then. In the meantime, my door is always open.

Bec: ?

15 minutes later

Matt: I’m free to meet now if it’s convenient?

Bec: Yeah okay, what did you want to talk about?

Matt: Well, how have you felt your last week has gone?

Bec: What do you mean?

Matt: Do you feel this relationship is meeting expectations?

Bec: What? And why are you speaking with your hands like Marco from Mastchef?

Matt: Does my body language make you uncomfortable? I can totally understand why you might feel that way. I’ve already taken the trouble of developing a body language matrix and will endeavour to adjust my physical communication strategy to better align with your needs. Would you class yourself as an octopus or a squirrel?

Bec: I’m just going to watch TV now.

Matt: Is there anything I can be doing better to help you reach your short and long-term goals?

Bec: My goal at the moment is to keep watching this episode of SeaChange. Can you please go away?

Matt: If you were a colour, what colour would you be?

Bec: I’d be piss off.

Matt: I’ll put that down as yellow. But I’m sensing some hostility here, and that’s okay, because I’ve separated your behaviour, from you, the person. And I’ve diagnosed you as a relationship developmental level three – medium skill, still requiring a fluctuating level of support.

Bec: Great, I think I might separate me, the wife, from you, the husband today.

Matt: Tell me more about why you feel that way. And please, call me Matthew.

Bec: Who is the HR manager in our marriage? I wish to file a complaint.

Categories
Relationships

Top 10 rules for living with Matt

  1. Groceries are always put in the back of the car, secured like Tetris, because loaves of bread can be “very dangerous missiles”.

    Matt pointing out Bec’s poor vacuuming skills
  2. Matt works in banking. If anything banking or money-related comes on television, I must be silent. He however is allowed to stand naked in front of my favourite show, and swing his privates around.
  3. His jokes are always funnier than mine. Similarly, if he’s doing something that in his mind is entertaining, hilarious, or, physical, like climbing a tree or mowing – I must watch him. “You’re not watching me!” is often screamed like a 7 year old, on our property.
  4. Wherever he puts things in the kitchen, is correct. If I wish to put something somewhere, “You can put it there, but you’d be wrong,” is offered.
  5. When I unpack the dishwasher, I am not to venture into the section of kitchen he’s in, because it causes too much disruption to his work, such as stirring soup.
  6. The mess Matt creates in the kitchen (which has him banned from cooking at his parents’ home) is “art”.
  7. When he is awake, I must be awake too, and this is rectified by him rotating his body about 12 times, until I wake, ‘naturally’.
  8. His wedding speech was significantly better than mine.
  9. He is correct in tallying the number of drinks he’s had. I am incorrect, and apparently always inflate the number by at least 10.
  10. Matt knows everything about dogs, and I know nothing. I.e. Molly just needed to “walk out” her cruciate ligament tearing,“like a sprained ankle”.
Categories
Relationships

2013 New Years’ (Relationship) Resolutions

It’s a little known fact that Matt and Bec are trained pyrotechnics professionals and have consulted on fireworks displays worldwide.

Bec’s 2013 Relationship New Years’ Resolutions

  1. I resolve to try and remember to drive around the overhanging tree branches instead of through them, despite us having a 4WD, made for that purpose.
  2. I resolve to not cut you off saying “I hate science/history/cars” whenever I feel your story is heading that way. Although entertaining and a sure time-saver for me, I get that it might be perceived as rude.
  3. I resolve to try to maintain a neutral expression when you choose ‘dub step’ on Spotify instead of my usual ‘I’d rather lick a recently-used razor than listen to this shit’ expression.
  4. I resolve that when I go canoeing with you, I’ll strive for a 1:20 paddle stroke ratio. I know you’ll appreciate this significant increase. Exceptions to this rule though include it being hot, when I hear a mosquito, when I’m hungry, or when I see bubbles on the water’s surface indicating the obvious presence of a crocodile.
  5. I resolve to contemplate trying new foods other than different ways of doing potato.

Matt’s 2013 Relationship New Years’ Resolutions

  1. I resolve that piling dirty dishes in the sink will not get them as clean as piling them in the dishwasher and starting the dishwasher. And that sink-dwelling ants are not an internationally recognised cleaning agent, as per previous claims.
  2. I resolve to ‘listen’ to you when you are telling me about your day instead of day-dreaming about Zoe Deschanel moving in as our quirky new room-mate who votes with me 2-1 on watching Top Gear.
  3. I resolve to learn more interesting ways to deep fry or otherwise disguise vegetables so you can benefit from their nutritional value instead of their visual plate appeal alone. I resolve to use the ‘Interesting Ways to Cook Vegetables’ book you thoughtfully gave me for that explicit purpose, instead of using it as a book-end because I like the pretty pictures on the cover.
  4. I resolve that running away from home at the age of 32 and hiding in the back of the car is not a mature, emotionally-intelligent way of resolving marital conflict.
  5. I resolve that you do not need to be told that your way of navigating to your grandparents’ house is ‘bizarre’ and that whilst planning out the most effective route, taking into account traffic incidents and fuel efficiency would be prudent if I were in charge of the space shuttle program, such precision and judgment of those without such precision is not conducive to a harmonious car relationship. Especially when you are driving so I can have a few beers.

So, dear readers, we’ve shared. What are your New Years’ relationship resolutions?

Categories
Blog Relationships

Stuff Matt says sometimes. By Bec.

Matt: You look pretty today, what have you done differently?

Bec: Put make-up on.

Bec: For our ‘Save the Date’ photo, I thought I might wear the dress that kind of makes my hips look a bit big?

Matt: Oh yeah, your engagement party dress?

Bec: No.

Bec: Delta Goodrem is such an idiot. She’s so obviously insincere. I don’t know why they’ve got her on this show. She’s a moron.

Matt: She is a moron. Look at how she’s sitting on the chair. She thinks she’s so hot.

Bec: I know, right?

Matt: Actually, she’s pretty hot.

Bec: How was the brownie I made you for lunch?

Matt: Good darling.

Bec: Was it nice?

Matt: Well, it was just your average brownie, so yes.

Bec: Okay.

Bec: Zooey Deschanel is so pretty even without make-up – look!

Matt: *Takes a look, reads a bit of the article* Oh, so that’s it – she wears false eye-lashes.

Bec: Yep.

Matt: *Pauses and looks at fiancee’s face for 10 seconds* Have you ever tried false eye-lashes?

Bec: Shit. My sunglasses are broken. Someone must have stepped on them in the park today.

Matt: I didn’t really like those ones anyway.

Matt: Darling did you know that your pupil in your right eye is enlarged and kind of split?

Bec: What? That’s a bit concerning *trying to find a mirror*

Matt:I know. Maybe it’s a brain tumor.

Matt: Did you choose those new sunglasses because they looked exactly like your old ones?

Bec:  How big do you let pumpkins grow before you pick them off the vine?

Matt: Pretty big.

On discussing plans for the weekend:

Matt: There are a number of important things I’ve got to do today, like book our honeymoon, sort out the quotes for the wedding cars, write vows and that sort of thing, so I’ll spend a lot of time doing that.

Bec: Okay sweets, no worries – I’ll read the papers.

*Five minutes later*

Bec: What are you up to?

Matt: Huh?

Bec: You’re carrying boxes into the car. Lots of boxes. Why are you carrying boxes into the car?

Matt: Oh, right, yes, they’re to mark the corners.

Bec: What corners?

Matt: Of the rally track. I’m building a rally track in the backyard.

Matt: Want to come and watch me play guitar?

Bec: Sure!

Matt: OK, I’m going to play Stairway to Heaven for 45 minutes.

Bec: OK, I love you.

*45 minutes later*

Matt: Why are you looking at your phone, that’s so rude. I think you should be looking at me.

Bec: Now, are there any requests you have, any at all, for how I do my make-up on our wedding day?

Matt: Just no red lipstick.

Bec: I have worn red lipstick every day you’ve known me.

Matt: Yeah, I don’t really like it.