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Things that go baby bump in the night…

Matt: It’s 3am and you’ve been rolling around for two hours. What’s going on? The bed hasn’t seen this much action since our wedding night.

Bec: I’ve got news for you if you think the bed has ever seen two hours of action.

Matt: Well, some of us are trying to sleep. I’m sure the baby is sick of it too. Can’t you just lay still?

Bec: I’ve got 11 kilos stuck on my front. I’m like one of those dolls that rights itself when you push them over. I’m bloated, I feel dizzy, I can’t sleep, I have to go to the toilet every 20 minutes. I only wish you knew how uncomfortable this was.

Matt: You’ve just described how I felt every Friday night from 1997 to 2010. You didn’t duck out to Fortitude Valley for 20 beers and a kebab while I was sleeping did you?

Bec: No. And I bet no kebab ever gave you reflux and kicked you in the ribs.

Matt: I’ve never had a kebab that didn’t do that.

Bec: Yes, well, I’m also stressed.

Matt: What about?

Bec: I was dreaming that I was sleeping on my stomach.┬áDo you think perhaps I wasn’t dreaming, instead I was actually sleeping on my stomach?

Matt: No. And I’ve seen the route the baby is going to take on the way out of your stomach. Getting squashed by you sleeping the wrong way is the least of its concerns.

Bec: OK, well I’m stressed about my pyjama pants too.

Matt: Why?

Bec: They can sometimes wrap around my legs really tightly throughout the night. Do you think this is cutting off my circulation and therefore air to the baby?

Matt: No.

Bec: I just want to be sure. Maybe we should buy a baby monitor now, so we can monitor ourselves as we sleep. Baby monitors can record people sleeping can’t they?

Matt: I don’t know, but I’m sure there’s a thread on that at stalkerforum.com.

Bec: Hmmm. Do you think charging my phone on my bedside table is a good idea, given the electrical currents are close to the baby when I lay on my left side?

Matt: I’m sure the Apple people would have thought of that. But you have Google, so ultimately I’ll just wait for your diagnosis. Just don’t get too close to the phone though while you’re researching – best use the touch screen with a stick.

Categories
Blog Pregnancy

Baby shopping: the 157 essential items you must buy if you don’t want to be a bad parent

Bec: We’ve still got so many things to buy for the baby.

Matt: I know, right? What is the baby going to do on Saturday afternoons if he doesn’t have a seven metre yacht to sail on?

Bec: You’re not getting a yacht. We can’t afford a yacht.

Matt: I meant sailboat. I said “yacht” so you’d think I was rich and you would love me more.

Bec: I have access to your bank account, you can barely afford a Paddle Pop, and I still love you more than anyone else appears to, so we’re not getting a sailboat. We need important baby stuff. Like a baby monitor.

Matt: Why do we need a baby monitor? Isn’t he just going to sleep in the same room as us anyway, like our eleven-year-old dog, and your 31-year-old pillow?

Bec: I suppose. Maybe. How do we know when it’s time to put the baby in his own room?

Matt: Going by your record of separation anxiety, I imagine when he’s starting to bring girls home.

Bec: Seriously, there are so many things we need. According to this list in Platinum Parenting Magazine, there are 157 essential must-have baby items, and we only have five.

Matt: We’ve already got a cot, car seat, stroller, Baby Bjorn, and that shipping container of disposable nappies your aunt bought at Costco. I never had disposable nappies. I think we’re already splurging there. What else could we possibly need?

Bec: A change table for a start.

Matt: What’s wrong with the normal table?

Bec: The one we eat dinner from?

Matt: Yes.

Bec: Have you ever changed a baby?

Matt: No.

Bec: On that note, we’ll need a high chair.

Matt: Why?

Bec: So the baby can eat at the dinner table with us.

Matt: I thought babies just ate breast milk. Which I’m all for. If you want to feed the baby at the dinner table that’s awesome. It’ll be the first time I will have seen your boobs in nine months.

Bec: We’ll need a feeding chair.

Matt: How is that different to a high chair?

Bec: I’ll sit in the feeding chair to feed the baby. And you can too, when I’ve expressed and you’re doing the 3am shift.

Matt: Define “expressed”. And, while you’re at it, define “3am shift”.

Bec: You will be doing a “3am” feeding shift to assist me. And, I will be “expressing” to assist you to do this. And, according to Platinum Parenting Magazine, we’re going to need bottles, nipples, breast pads, a breast pump, nipple cream, and nipple guards.

Matt: Are you reading Platinum Parenting Magazine, or the classifieds section of Playboy Magazine?

Bec: I don’t think you realise what we’re up against here. We need ‘baby’ everything. Baby bath, baby towels, baby books, baby nail scissors, baby swing, baby booties,┬ábaby gym.

Matt: How are baby nail scissors different to normal nail scissors?

Bec: They’re ‘baby’.

Matt: What’s the difference between a “baby towel” and a “hand towel”?

Bec: Baby towels are made especially for babies.

Matt: Are they made from different towel material?

Bec: No. They’re just child-sized.

Matt: Like a hand towel then?

Bec: No, like a towel, for children.

Matt: Do they cost more?

Bec: They cost as much as a normal towel.

Matt: But they use 10% of the material.

Bec: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after our children.

Matt: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after my dreams of owning a sailboat. Also, I object to paying extra for things for small children – just put what we’ve got in the dryer and it will all be baby-size!

Bec: Oh, very good.

 

 

Categories
Blog Pregnancy

Things Bec has worried about since finding out she’s pregnant

  • That the guy in the pet supplies store whose breath smelled like cigarettes would give the baby lung cancer.
  • That the baby was hurt when the Woolworths truck backed out too quickly and gave Bec a fright.
  • That the baby was seriously injured when Bec had a facial and the lady at the beauty salon put a steam machine thing near her face.
  • That the baby will have foetal alcohol syndrome because Bec had two glasses of wine the night before it was conceived.
  • That the baby will be deformed because Bec carried the groceries in from the car and there was a two litre milk bottle in one of the bags (the strain).
  • That the baby will have gas poisoning from the time Matt sprayed a moth with flyspray in the bedroom whilst Bec was in the ensuite with the door shut.
  • That there is too much iron in Milo, almost a quarter of the recommended daily allowance, and that the baby will have an iron disease from having too much iron.
  • That the baby has mercury poisoning because she ate a small piece of mackerel, which the baby book said was very low in mercury, but it’s still a fish and fish can have mercury, so should she go to the hospital and get her stomach pumped.
  • That the half a can of Coke Zero she had was too much caffeine for the baby, and that the baby now has a caffeine addiction.
  • That the baby has chicken poo poisoning because when she went into the chicken coop, her hair touched where the chickens had been sitting and then some wind blew the hair near her lips.
  • That the baby has Hendra virus because the horse sneezed on Bec.
Categories
Blog Pregnancy

The Granfields find out they are having a baby

20 Weeks Ago…

Bec: So, I think I’m ovulating…

Matt: OK Darling. I’ve just got to finish watering the grapes. They’re getting a bit dry and I’ve finally got the length of the septic tank overflow pipe right so it reaches the furthest vine. There’s some poo and stuff about the place, but it’s good fertiliser. I’ll only be another five minutes.

Bec: Did you hear what I said?

Matt: Something about waiting. I’ll only be five more minutes.

Bec: No, I said ‘ovulating’.

Matt: I thought you said you were ‘over waiting’.

Bec: You need to get your hearing checked.

Matt: You need to stop mumbling from the verandah while I’m out in the vineyard. I can barely hear you.

Bec: You’re such a romantic.

Matt: I’m not the one wearing tracksuit pants, standing on a verandah, telling anyone who’ll listen that she’s ovulating.

Bec: I think we’ve established no one was listening.

19 Weeks Ago…

Bec: So, I think I’m pregnant.

Matt: Really?

Bec: I’ve peed on three different sticks. They all have a little bar on them.

Matt: And a little bar means we’re having a baby?

Bec: Yes.

Matt: Does three bars mean we’re having three little babies?

Bec: No, it means I have anxiety and I didn’t trust the first two sticks.

Matt: If we’re having triplets and this is a test, that’s OK. I will still support you.

Bec: Yes, well, if you run out on me now, my Dad will cut off your testicles, so I wasn’t doubting your dedication.

Matt: OK. Well, just so you know.

Bec: Well this is very exciting. How do you feel?

Matt: This is the best thing ever!

Bec: I know!

Matt: What do we do now?

Bec: I have no idea.

Matt: Don’t you have motherly instincts? Are they kicking in? What are they saying?

Bec: They’re saying “It’s time to consult Dr Google.”

Matt: Are you sure you want to do that?

Bec: Yes.

Matt: It’s just that Dr Google isn’t very reliable is he? Remember the time Dr Google diagnosed you with smallpox?

Bec: I had a number of the symptoms.

Matt: You had a mosquito bite.

Categories
Featured Pets

How to cure a limping chicken. Axe not included.

Their chicken had been limping for some time, but never this bad. She’d already had one trip to the vet. The vet had given them some anti-inflammatory medication, which was administered orally via syringe. The used syringes had lain discarded around the house in various cupboards, much to the consternation of enquiring mothers and fathers in law.

Enquiring mother or father in law: “What is this for?”

Son or Daughter in Law: “It’s for the chicken. She has a bad leg.”

For a number of months things seemed better. The leg didn’t heal completely, but their chicken had survived the great Queensland heat wave of 2014 without dropping so much as a feather, and they presumed she would hobble, nay, amble along merrily for the rest of her clucky days – a lame, lone comic foul. They’d even put her limp down to her sleeping habits.

Matt or Bec to house guest: “She sleeps on her leg funny. We go in there at night and it’ll be tucked way under. You know how you get a dead leg if you sit on it funny? We think that might be it.” It was pure veterinary science.

But on Saturday morning things looked bad.

Bec: We should take her to the vet.

Matt: I don’t know. She’s not even laying eggs at the moment. Maybe her time is up. Chickens aren’t like wild eagles or anything, they’ve been bred over thousands of years to lay eggs and be McNuggets. They’re not athletes.

Bec: I think we should at the very least give her some aspirin. The vet said we could give her baby aspirin. Can you look up baby aspirin on your phone and see what the dose is?

Matt: No. Let’s just put her on the chopping block.

Bec: I’m Googling ‘baby aspirin chickens’.

Matt: OK. I’ll help.

Bec: Good.

Matt: *Googles*

Bec: What have you found?

Matt: It says here you can cut a hole in the corner of a pillow case and stick their head through that, so you can hold them steady without them flapping, and when you’re finished, you can just hold the pillow case upside down and the blood will drain out. I promise I won’t use your Laura Ashley pillowcases again. So, can we do it?

Bec: Did you Google ‘baby aspirin chicken’ or ‘best way to chop chicken’s head off’?

Matt: ‘Baby aspirin chicken’.

Bec: I don’t believe you. Show me your phone.

Matt: No.