Blog Featured Pregnancy

Things that go baby bump in the night…

Matt: It’s 3am and you’ve been rolling around for two hours. What’s going on? The bed hasn’t seen this much action since our wedding night.

Bec: I’ve got news for you if you think the bed has ever seen two hours of action.

Matt: Well, some of us are trying to sleep. I’m sure the baby is sick of it too. Can’t you just lay still?

Bec: I’ve got 11 kilos stuck on my front. I’m like one of those dolls that rights itself when you push them over. I’m bloated, I feel dizzy, I can’t sleep, I have to go to the toilet every 20 minutes. I only wish you knew how uncomfortable this was.

Matt: You’ve just described how I felt every Friday night from 1997 to 2010. You didn’t duck out to Fortitude Valley for 20 beers and a kebab while I was sleeping did you?

Bec: No. And I bet no kebab ever gave you reflux and kicked you in the ribs.

Matt: I’ve never had a kebab that didn’t do that.

Bec: Yes, well, I’m also stressed.

Matt: What about?

Bec: I was dreaming that I was sleeping on my stomach. Do you think perhaps I wasn’t dreaming, instead I was actually sleeping on my stomach?

Matt: No. And I’ve seen the route the baby is going to take on the way out of your stomach. Getting squashed by you sleeping the wrong way is the least of its concerns.

Bec: OK, well I’m stressed about my pyjama pants too.

Matt: Why?

Bec: They can sometimes wrap around my legs really tightly throughout the night. Do you think this is cutting off my circulation and therefore air to the baby?

Matt: No.

Bec: I just want to be sure. Maybe we should buy a baby monitor now, so we can monitor ourselves as we sleep. Baby monitors can record people sleeping can’t they?

Matt: I don’t know, but I’m sure there’s a thread on that at

Bec: Hmmm. Do you think charging my phone on my bedside table is a good idea, given the electrical currents are close to the baby when I lay on my left side?

Matt: I’m sure the Apple people would have thought of that. But you have Google, so ultimately I’ll just wait for your diagnosis. Just don’t get too close to the phone though while you’re researching – best use the touch screen with a stick.

Featured House and Garden

How to build a bench seat: Part One

Matt: Let’s buy a boat!

Bec: We live 200km from the sea.


Bec: We’re not buying a boat.

Matt: What about our dream of buying a yacht and sailing it home from The Mediterranean Sea?

Bec: What are you talking about?

Matt: I told you this the other day. Our retirement plan. We need to practise being boaties, or we’ll get to retirement and be total boating newbs.


Matt: How about we build a BBQ firepit pizza oven area in the back yard, with wooden bench seats and a firepit and a BBQ area?

Bec: OK.

Matt: Really?

Bec: Yep. Let’s go to Masters. But let’s start with something simple. Make some bench seats first. I don’t want to commit to the rest until you’ve proven yourself. Otherwise we’ll end up spending $1,000 on landscape supplies and they’ll sit over by the fence gathering dust. Like the last $1,000 worth of landscaping supplies.

Matt: I am going to build that retaining wall I was talking about, I just need to wait for the weather to warm up a little.

Bec: In summer you said you had to wait for it to cool down a little. Either way, let’s just go.

Matt: OK awesome. But Masters won’t have the range of supplies we need. We need to go to that tradie’s timber warehouse across town.

Bec: Won’t Masters be catering for people like us though? People who are doing little projects like this one?

Matt: Look, if it makes you’ll happy, we’ll go there, but we’ll be wasting our time.

*20 mins later*

Bec: Oh, look at those pieces of wood at the entry there. Outside. On special. They look pretty wide. Aren’t they exactly what we need?

Matt: I doubt it.

Bec: Excuse me (speaking to Masters Guy) – what do you use this wood out the front here for?

Masters Guy: Lots of stuff, but it’s particularly good for bench seating. We’re seeing a lot of young couples come through who buy it for bench seating.

Bec: We’ll take four planks please.

Matt: We only need two planks of this, but it’ll be so annoying because we’ll have to cut it up with the chainsaw.

Masters Guy: We can cut it here for you. Free of charge. Whatever size you like.

Bec: Is the first cut the deepest? HAHAHAHAHAH.


Matt: We need some coach screws now.

Masters Guy: What sort of coach are you building?

Matt: We’re building some bench seats actually.

Masters Guy: Yes, I figured. That was a joke. Sorry.

Bec: Don’t apologise to him. He’s just a bit slow. And jealous of your joke.

Masters Guy: Over in aisle 9.

Bec: What are coach screws?

Matt: They’re like a cross between a bolt and a screw. They’re for holding heavy timber together. They take a while to drill and implement, but they’re worthwhile.

Bec: This project isn’t going to take that long though is it? Don’t you just have to ghhhhzzz the wood together?

Matt: Ghhhhzzz it?

Bec: Yes. You don’t know what that is?

Matt: No.

Bec: Look at my body language – ghhhhzzz it. *Moves arms forward in drilling motion*

Matt: You mean use a drill?

Bec: Yes. Haven’t you seen The Block?

Matt: Is that the one with the twins?

Bec: Yes.

Matt: I hate that show. It’s full of stupid city people trying to build stuff in inappropriate clothing and hairstyles. Speaking of which, the clothes you’re wearing are too good to be working in the yard. You’ll have to change when we get back.

Bec: I will really only be doing light, cosmetic work, and then I’ll probably get tired or bored, so they’ll be fine.

Matt: Sounds right. So what work are you going to do?

Bec: I will move about three rocks, and then I’ll probably sit down and take photos of you working, and Instagram it.

Business Featured

Matt reveals he is a bona-fide bushie: Interview by Bec

The vineyard’s progress had stalled, so Matt had fewer things to do on the weekend. After nearly 12 months in the country, Bec decided now was an opportune time to test his real rural mettle.

Bec: Which famous bushman are you most like, and why?

Matt: Well to start, the word is bushie. You’re obviously not from here.

Bec: Would you like to have a beer with Duncan?

Matt: Been too busy mustering for that. It’s tough out here.

Bec: What have you been mustering?

Matt: Livestock mostly.

Bec: Specifically?

Matt: Three chickens, one miniature fox terrier and some worms.

Bec: Just how “tough out here” is it?

Matt: Put it this way, Duncan was a sheila when I first met him.

Bec: What speeds have you reached on the ride on mower?

Matt: I think you mean ‘lawn tractor’.

Bec: How calloused are your hands, from all of your livin’ and a workin’ on the land?

Matt: Bushies like me don’t worry about that sort of stuff.

Bec: Didn’t I see a jar of moisturiser on your shelf in the bathroom the other day?

Matt: That would have been deep heat cream, for my eyes. I use that as training for staring into the sun, which I have to do a lot while looking for lost cattle.

Bec: How many wild beasts have you tamed?

Matt: Wild beasts are for shootin’, tannin’ and possibly eatin’. They ain’t for tamin’.

Bec: How many brown snakes have you wrestled with your bare hands, ensuring they came off second best?

Matt: 2.5

Bec: How is that possible?

Matt: I wrestled the third one so hard it snapped in half, upon whence the front end bit me and the back end crawled away while I sucked the poison out. Once that poison is inside you, you have to suck it out immediately. The nearest hospital is a day’s ride away. You can’t take any chances out here.

Bec: A day’s ride on what?

Matt: Ride on mower.

Bec: Do you mean lawn tractor?

Matt: Yes.

Bec: What do you think of ‘city slickers’?

Matt: They come out here in their fancy Rav4s, thinking they can go ‘off-road’ because they’ve parked on a lawn at a street party…

Bec: How fast can you crack a whip?

Matt: When I crack a whip, it’s not the whip you hear; it’s the sonic boom.

Bec: You know a whip crack IS a sonic boom?

Matt: When I do it, yes.

Bec: No, when anyone does it. That’s what the crack is. It’s the tip of the whip breaking the speed of sound.

Matt: Nope.

Bec: It is.

Matt: Well, when I crack a whip it breaks the speed of sound, AND the speed of light. So you can’t even see it. Did you see that? I just cracked a whip and you didn’t see it.

Bec: I didn’t see anything. Nor did I hear anything.

Matt: Exactly.

Bec: Did the gene test end up proving your “irrefutable claim” that you are “related to RM”?

Matt: You don’t need science to prove obvious fact.

Bec: What did the test say?

Matt: I can see the fence needs immediate repair. Hooroo.

Blog Featured

Twelve Indisputable Facts of Life

  1. Nobody knows whether it is actually recycling bin night. One person on the street takes a chance and the rest follow their lead.
  2. The average supermarket avocado has been squeezed by 427 other customers before you buy it.
  3. If your question to your husband begins with “have you seen my…” you’ll only ever get two answers – “I don’t know” or “I don’t know what that is”
  4. The keys are in the same place as your mobile phone. Which is flat. And carefully stored in the bottom of the bucket on the third shelf in the bathroom cupboard – a place you chose last night after the fourth glass of wine so you wouldn’t forget where to find your keys.
  5. You will remember where you put them ten minutes after you need to.
  6. You CAN type at 140 w.p.m. with 100% accuracy. As long as no one is watching.
  7. The incessantly beeping smoke alarm with the flat battery is at the top of the stairs and inaccessible by ladder.
  8. Candles you get from ‘Target’ burn longer, smell nicer, and you won’t need to talk to weird candle shop women, who judge you when you inevitably reject their up-selling of unnecessary candle accessories.
  9. Putting a siren sample in your popular song is a fantastic idea. As long as no one will ever listen to your song in a motor vehicle stuck at traffic lights.
  10. If you want a significantly overweight person to appear out of nowhere, board a plane, and await your long haul flight to London. Have a spare seat next to you. Wait 5 seconds before the plane doors close. Voila.
  11. People who know how to relate to little dogs are the best. They (little dogs) test empathy. i.e. they’re small, vulnerable – everyone and everything else being big. Good people recognise that and adjust their approach.
  12. We all pretend to write down reference numbers given over the phone. Nobody actually does.
Blog Featured

Bec and Matt welcome a new arrival…

Matt: I’ve got a surprise for you darling!

Bec: You’ve learnt how to budget?

Matt: I picked up my gun today! I’ve got it right here. Want to see it?

Bec: Get that thing out of the house! I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to know where it is. Store it somewhere bulletproof, bomb proof, burglar proof, child proof, and preferably Matt proof. I hate guns. And, will you PLEASE learn the difference between a surprise for you, and a surprise for me.

Matt: Is it a surprise if I want to go shoot my gun now, instead of talk to you?

Bec: At what?

Matt: Nothing. I just want to shoot it.

Bec: It’s 8.30pm; we have horses on our property, cows at the neighbours’, and wallabies everywhere.  You are not randomly shooting a gun into the distance at 8.30pm at night. You’ll accidentally kill something, and, our neighbours will think you’ve shot me.

Matt: They’ll be able to hear you yelling at me after the fact, so I doubt it. And I wasn’t going to shoot it randomly; I was going to shoot with sniper-like precision.

Bec: At what?

Matt: Rabbits.

Bec: No way.

Matt: The couch?

Bec: What?!?

Matt: The old couch. We just got a new couch. You said you hate the old couch. I’ll put it down the back. It’s a pretty big target so you won’t have to worry about me missing and hitting a bunny. Not that I’d miss, I’m like Annie Oakley.

Bec: No idea who that is. Anyway. How about you test all of that ‘precision’ you possess and ‘shoot’ all the lantana and weeds with the spray gun tomorrow? That could be fun?

Matt: How about LAME?

Bec: Very mature.

Matt: Telling me to go shooting with a spray gun is the same as you asking for a diamond necklace and me presenting you one from a gumball machine.

Bec: That would be the most you’ve spent on a present for me since we got married.

Matt: Yes, well, before we were married, there was a strong likelihood a present would lead to sex. Now I might as well just save my money and spend it on firearms.

Bec: Yes, well, how much money did you save up for this particular firearm?

Matt: None, I put it on the credit card you don’t have access to.

Featured Travel

The secrets of Sea World in the off season

Chick on entrance booth: That’ll be a hundred and sixty dollars

Matt: Oh, sorry, I think you’ve misunderstood, I didn’t want to pay for the busload of Japanese tourists who are standing over there in the car park next to the bus. It’s just me and Rebecca here.

Chick on entrance booth: Yes, it’s eighty dollars each.

Matt: Really? We’re only really coming to do the ‘swim with the dolphins’ thing I bought Bec for her birthday. I’ve already paid for that. Is it really a hundred and sixty dollars on top of that, just to get in?

Chick on entrance booth: Yes.

Matt: I didn’t realise a dolphin was included in that price. I really don’t have room in my car for a dolphin. I’d have to put the back seats down and last time I did that I had to put a ladder in and it got a bit of rust on the leather. I don’t really want dolphin on the leather. Imagine what my left-leaning friends would say if they knew I had dolphin stains on the leather.

Chick on entrance booth: The price doesn’t include a dolphin. You get a photo of the experience though. That’s included.

Bec: OK. It’s raining though. Are all the rides open?

Chick on entrance booth: *cough*

Bec: What do you mean “*cough*”?

Chick: Well, some of the park is currently being improved for the future enjoyment of guests.

Matt: Define “some of the park”.

Chick: It’s only some of the park.

Matt: Is the corkscrew open?

Chick: What’s the corkscrew?

Matt: The roller coaster.

Chick: Oh, it’s called the something else now.

Me: Is the something else open?

Chick: Not in the rain, no.

Bec: OK. What about the water ski stunt show? Will that be on?

Chick: No. During the winter months it’s usually a bit quiet, and management like to keep costs down, so we sack the water ski stunt team and put a sign on the ramp where they do some of the stunts saying that the particular section of the park involved in the stunt show is being improved for your future enjoyment.

Matt: Is the pirate ship operating? I don’t even like rides really, but I need to make Rebecca here think I’m at least a little bit manly, so if the roller coaster is out of action I’m going to need to pull something else.

Chick: No, we shut that down a few years ago after someone died when they were upside down and a mobile phone fell out of their pocket and into their mouth. They choked.

Bec: OK. What about that Bermuda Triangle thing, the boat ride thing with the flames. Is that open?

Chick: No, that is being improved for your future enjoyment.

Bec: I see. Are the polar bears still here?

Chick: We have four polar bears.

Bec: And how many are here, on display.

Chick: We don’t like to refer to them as being ‘on display’.

Bec: How do you refer to them?

Chick: We refer to them as being here for the present enjoyment of guests, as proudly brought to you by Coca Cola.

Bec: How many are here for the present enjoyment of the guests?

Chick: One. It sleeps in a cave at the back of the exhibit for most of the day.

Matt: Are the water slides open?

Chick: The water slides are closed for winter.

Bec: Are there any rides open?

Chick: There’s a merry go round.

Matt: Is it an extreme merry go round?

Chick: It’s a normal one. There may be some vomit on it.

Bec: Is that it? Is that all the rides?

Chick: The jet ski wussy roller coaster thing may operate if it stops raining.

Matt: What’s that?

Chick: It’s like a wussy roller coaster on the ground.

Bec: Is it safe? We don’t want a mobile phone choking us to death.

Chick: You aren’t allowed to take mobile phones on the ride.

Bec: What am I supposed to do with my mobile phone?

Chick: You can hire a locker. Lockers are available next to each ride.

Bec: How much are the lockers?

Chick: Eight dollars.

Bec: For the day?

Chick: For an hour.

Bec: How much do you get paid?

Chick: Less than that.

Bec: I thought so.

Chick: Would you like to purchase a VIP yearly ticket to Sea World for only $119?

Matt: What does that get us?

Chick: You get VIP entry to Sea World and a cup.

Matt: What is VIP entry?

Chick: Instead of queuing with everyone else you go in the VIP entry.

Bec: Where is that?

Chick: Here

Matt: No thank you.

Chick: OK

Bec: Oh bugger, I’ve forgotten my towel. I’ll have to go back and get it.

Chick: You’ll have to back out through the gift shop exit.

Matt: Actually, that works out, I forgot to bring sun screen. On the off chance that the sun comes out, am I able to buy sun screen from the gift shop?

Chick: No. The sun screen section of the gift shop is being improved for your future enjoyment.

Matt: I see. What exactly does the gift shop sell then?

Chick: Cups, and ‘My Family’ stickers.

Matt: OK. Is there any part of Sea World that is not currently being improved for my future enjoyment?

Chick: *thinks*

Bec: Is there a seal show?

Chick: Yes. There is a seal show.

Matt: What time is that on?

Chick: When is your dolphin swim experience thing?

Bec: 2.30pm

Chick: The seal show starts at 2.30pm.

Bec: Right.

Chick: Oh, do you like penguins?

Bec: I guess so.

Chick: The penguin experience is open.

Bec: What’s the penguin experience?

Chick: It’s some penguins in a swimming pool with some badly painted pictures of icebergs in the background and a bunch of penguin facts stuck to a wall. It’s very interactive.

Bec: What’s interactive about it?

Chick: You get to see some penguins interacting with each other in a swimming pool.

Bec: Is that your way of saying they may have a fight, or have sex, or something interesting?

Chick: No, they mostly sit in a corner and ignore everyone.

Bec: Is that what you’d like to be doing right now?

Chick: Yes.

Matt: OK, can I pay by credit card?

Chick: Yes, but there’s a $5.95 fee.

Matt: Oh, OK, well, I’ll pay by EFTPOS then.

Chick: OK, that’ll be $160, plus a $4.95 EFTPOS fee.

Matt: Is there anything in this theme park that doesn’t come with a hidden fee?

Chick: Yes. There’s a picture of some whales over in the back of the park near the smoking area. That is free to look at.

Matt: OK, how do I get there?

Chick: You take the monorail, return tickets are $10.

Featured Travel

The Granfields go on holidays to 1770 (and meet some German backpackers, and some history)

Bec: Now, we need to set some ground rules for this road trip.

Matt: Yes we do. As driver, I’m in charge of the windows. I pick up or down. If the windows are down at speeds greater than 60km/h I find it distracting.

Bec: Molly gets anxiety, and likes the window down so she can sniff things. Thus, if she’s on my lap – I get to choose when the window goes down.

Matt: Sure. As long as it doesn’t annoy me. *click*

Bec: What was that clicking sound?

Matt: Nothing.

Bec: Have you put the child lock on the window?

Matt: Nope.

Bec: Why won’t the window go down?

Matt: Maybe it’s broken.

Bec: Turn the child lock off please. You promised! I want the window down!

Matt: It’s too distracting and I’ll crash. Don’t you want us to be safe?

Bec: You perving on the Swedish backpackers in Wicked Campers you always look at will make us crash, not a window being down.

Matt: Um, I think you’ll find they’re German. You can tell by their accents.

Bec: How can you hear their accents?

Matt: I heard them at the last petrol station. They were talking about how lonely they were in Australia and how attractive all the men were. Particularly the ones with close cropped haircuts.

Bec: You mean bald men?

Matt: I prefer to think of us as mean with closely-cropped haircuts. It means we have lots of testosterone you know.

Bec: If you don’t unlock this window right now, I can promise you you’ll be wishing you had a Wicked Camper to sleep in, because there’s no way you’ll be staying the house with Molly and I.

Matt: *unclick*

Seven hours later, Bec and Matt arrive in 1770. Bec has a nap. Matt goes fishing. Several hours later, Matt returns.

Matt: So, while you’ve been napping, I’ve been out fishing in my boat.

Bec: When did you buy a boat? I thought we agreed no boats until we paid off the house.

Matt: ‘Boat’ was an aspirational adjective. I was just in the canoe. Anyway. So I caught a MASSIVE fish.

Bec: Is it in that bucket? Are you on tonight’s ‘Coastwatch’?

Matt: No, it was SO massive, I was worried it might have actually been a previously-undiscovered species of whale, so I let it go.

Bec: Wise decision. It might have sunk the ‘boat’, right?

Matt: No. I was going to keep it, but then The Sea Shepherd appeared and started trying to board. I left my water cannon at home and had no way to repel them, so I threw it back and pretended I was doing some science, just in case.

Bec: Was your ‘science’ an experiment to see the affects of sunburn and fish smell on the male human sex life? If so, I fear the results may alarm you.

Matt: You won’t be joking when I bring us home dinner. Either way, did you see the cairn?

Bec: What?

Matt: You can just see it out the window. Look, up on the hill.

Bec: I’m not falling for that. Cairns is about a thousand kilometres away. Even I know that.

Matt: No, the cairn. Commemorating Cook’s landing in 1770.

Bec: You know how much I love history.

Matt: Yes. Did you see the cairn? It’s a like a pyramid.

Bec: No. But that does sound kind of interesting I suppose. I always wanted to see the pyramids.

Matt: It was built in 1970. They raised the money for it in less than a month.

Bec: Wow. That’s actually impressive considering the pyramids took thousands of years to build. So where is it? I can’t see it.

Matt: There, see. Up on the hill.

Bec: I can’t see a pyramid.

Matt: It’s not a pyramid, it’s a cairn. You need to lower your expectations.

Bec: I can’t see it.

Matt: Up there.

Bec: That thing that looks like it’s about one metre high? How did Captain Cook land all the way up there on the hill?

Matt: He didn’t specifically land there. It’s just a commemorative cairn indicating the fact that Cook landed somewhere near the Town of 1770 in the year 1770.

Bec: Had he run out of place names by then? Or was this the only place he discovered that year?

Matt: No, the town was named 1770 in 1970. Before that it was called ‘Round Hill’.

Bec: Well that’s infinitely more interesting then. Either way, that just looks like a pile of rocks, not the pyramid you promised.

Matt: It’s not just a pile of rocks. It’s a very important piece of history.

Bec: What makes it different from any other pile of rocks?

Matt: It has a plaque.

Featured Household Finance

Matt makes savings ‘plans’. Plans include high-powered Mercedes-Benz. Bec threatens divorce.

Matt: Just so you know, I’m not buying lunch today NOR an ice-cream. Because I’m a saver. And, a good boy.

Bec: Seriously? You’re not getting credit for that Matt.

Matt: I made my lunch yesterday too. That’s two days in a row, surely I get some sort of credit. Or a massage or something.

Bec: Didn’t you leave your sandwich on the counter yesterday, by ‘accident’?

Matt: Yes, well, it was an accident. I was really looking forward to that sandwich. It had lamb shank meat in it. That’s, like, the best meat ever. That’s better than lobster meat.

Bec: So if you left your lunch on the counter, what did you eat instead?

Matt: I had Grill’d.

Bec: Yes, I know. I saw it in online banking. You spent $16 at Grill’d. That’s not ‘saving’.

Matt: Yeah, but I didn’t even have a drink. I just got a burger, and chips, and two types of chip condiment. But no drink. Because I’m saving. I’m even saving with my hobbies – have you noticed how I haven’t been to Masters for two weeks?

Bec: Darling, the only reason we’ve had to draft a budget is because your hobbies are ridiculous; the never ending vineyard/money pit, your stupid cars, and the fact you now think you can claim wine as a ‘tax deduction’ because you have a ‘wine blog‘. You can’t claim wine as a tax deduction because you have a wine blog. It’s not a tax deduction, it’s a bank balance deduction. Meanwhile, me, the martyr over here; I have HOLES in my shoes.

Matt: Yes, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about those. They’re disgusting. I wouldn’t even touch your shoes with my feet, even if I were wearing shoes.

Bec: Yeah, you wouldn’t want to get your new $500 crocodile print RM Williams damaged. Anyways, the reason I’ve not bought new shoes is because I’m mindful of our spending.

Matt: Hey! I’m mindful of our spending too. Remember – no ice creams this week.

Bec: Oh I’m sorry, well done. I should also probably praise you for not stopping by Mercedes-Benz on the way home and buying the new model, which apparently has your name all over it, because you STRANGELY saw someone driving it TWICE IN THE ONE DAY. What a sign!

Matt: I won’t sit here and let you speak ill of the new CLA 45 AMG. It has the world’s most powerful production engine, on a per cubic centimetre basis. It’s also a very safe family car. Our future children will be very safe in that car. It has a five star ANCAP rating.

Bec: If I ever look in online banking and see you’ve put down a deposit on a 44 AMG, we will be getting a divorce.

Matt: 45 AMG.

Bec: Whatever.

Matt: All good. I took out a new credit card the other day. As a test for ‘work purposes’. I had to see how easy it was to open, given I work in a bank and all. I’ll just put the CLA 45 AMG deposit on that. You won’t even see it.

Bec: No dramas. My solicitor fees for the divorce will come out of our savings account. I doubt you’ve ever looked at that, so I’m fairly confident you won’t see that either.

Featured Pets

How to cure a limping chicken. Axe not included.

Their chicken had been limping for some time, but never this bad. She’d already had one trip to the vet. The vet had given them some anti-inflammatory medication, which was administered orally via syringe. The used syringes had lain discarded around the house in various cupboards, much to the consternation of enquiring mothers and fathers in law.

Enquiring mother or father in law: “What is this for?”

Son or Daughter in Law: “It’s for the chicken. She has a bad leg.”

For a number of months things seemed better. The leg didn’t heal completely, but their chicken had survived the great Queensland heat wave of 2014 without dropping so much as a feather, and they presumed she would hobble, nay, amble along merrily for the rest of her clucky days – a lame, lone comic foul. They’d even put her limp down to her sleeping habits.

Matt or Bec to house guest: “She sleeps on her leg funny. We go in there at night and it’ll be tucked way under. You know how you get a dead leg if you sit on it funny? We think that might be it.” It was pure veterinary science.

But on Saturday morning things looked bad.

Bec: We should take her to the vet.

Matt: I don’t know. She’s not even laying eggs at the moment. Maybe her time is up. Chickens aren’t like wild eagles or anything, they’ve been bred over thousands of years to lay eggs and be McNuggets. They’re not athletes.

Bec: I think we should at the very least give her some aspirin. The vet said we could give her baby aspirin. Can you look up baby aspirin on your phone and see what the dose is?

Matt: No. Let’s just put her on the chopping block.

Bec: I’m Googling ‘baby aspirin chickens’.

Matt: OK. I’ll help.

Bec: Good.

Matt: *Googles*

Bec: What have you found?

Matt: It says here you can cut a hole in the corner of a pillow case and stick their head through that, so you can hold them steady without them flapping, and when you’re finished, you can just hold the pillow case upside down and the blood will drain out. I promise I won’t use your Laura Ashley pillowcases again. So, can we do it?

Bec: Did you Google ‘baby aspirin chicken’ or ‘best way to chop chicken’s head off’?

Matt: ‘Baby aspirin chicken’.

Bec: I don’t believe you. Show me your phone.

Matt: No.

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The Five (or so) Love Languages

Bec: You never listen to me.

Matt: I do listen to you.

Bec: I always talk about the five love languages. What are they?

Matt: You want me to name the five languages?

Bec: Yes, recite them.

Matt: Gift-giving is one.

Bec: Yes.

Matt: Touch is one.

Bec: Yes, well, physical touch, but OK, that’s pretty good. I’m impressed so far. Maybe I doubted you. What are the other three?

Matt: I know them.

Bec: OK.

Matt: Sex.

Bec: No.

Matt: How is that not a love language?

Bec: It’s not.

Matt: Something about talking.

Bec: No.

Matt: How is talking not a love language? Talking is a language.

Bec: It’s not.

Matt: I know them.

Bec: Want me to give you a hint?

Matt: No! I know them.

Bec: OK.

Matt: How many were there again?

Bec: How many ‘five love languages’ are there?

Matt: Yes.

Bec: Five.

Matt: Right.

Bec: Everyone has one. Do you know what MINE is?

Matt: French?