Categories
Blog Relationships

Matt realises it has been five years since the last blog post

After a fight on their honeymoon in 2012, Matt and Bec had decided to start a blog so they had a project to work on together. It was going to be a ‘relationship building’ exercise. This was when blogs were still a thing, before TikTok reduced the attention span of the average internet user to 1.75 seconds. At the time they were both writers living in the country with not much else to do. The project was a success and even spawned a broadly unread column in the local newspaper (when local newspapers were still a thing) about a young couple who moved to the country.

After three years of regular updates, the relationship building exercise seemed to have worked, and our heroes found themselves five weeks out from the birth of their fist child and up all night on a ‘babymoon‘. Fast forward another five years, and the blog had gone mysteriously dormant.

Matt: Hey Darling, do you know we haven’t blogged in five years? We should start blogging again.

Bec: No.

Matt: Why not?

Bec: Because that would mean I’d have to work with you and I have better things to do with my time than work with you.

Matt: I’ve seen you in your spare time. You sit on the couch watching old episodes of The Real Housewives of Beverley Hills and Million Dollar Listing New York.

Bec: As I said, I have better things to do than work with you.

Matt: Well, I think it would be relationship-building. And we have SO much to update our readers on. They’re all probably wondering what happened – whether we had the baby, whether we’re still in the country. All that.

Bec: What readers?

Matt: We have readers.

Bec: You mean your ex-girlfriend?

Matt: No. We have lots of readers. I’ll check Google Analytics and show you.

*Five minutes later*

Matt: At our peak, our blog averaged 12 visitors a day. That’s huge!

Bec: How long did that peak last?

Matt: One day. But it was a strong day.

Bec: Was that the day you kept refreshing the browser window to boost our following so you could sell ads on the blog?

Matt: Maybe.

Bec: I’m not blogging with you.

Matt: That’s OK. I know you’re busy right now. I’m just going to leave this computer here open and you can write something when you feel ready.

*Five minutes later*

Matt: You haven’t written anything yet.

Bec: Correct.

Matt: Why not?

Bec: I’m watching Million Dollar Listing New York. It’s an important episode. It’s the one where the millionaire gets angry because the agents can’t get the asking price.

Matt: That’s every episode of Million Dollar Listing New York.

Bec: I’m not blogging with you.

Matt: Fine. I’ll blog by myself.

Bec: Fine.

Matt: Just so you know, I’ll be telling everyone how you have terrible taste in TV shows.

Bec: That’s fine. I’ll start a TikTok account which is just short videos of you snoring and not taking the rubbish out.

Matt: Even with a potential global audience of a billion randoms, that won’t get more than one view a day.

Bec: And that will be one more than your blog will get.

Matt: Our blog.

Bec: Incorrect.

Categories
Blog

Matt and Bec are up all night on their ‘babymoon’

With five weeks to go until the birth of their first child, Matt and Bec decided to head to the coast for a long weekend of time out together before the little one arrived. Matt was vocal about it being a ‘babymoon’ – with the idea that it contain a similar amount of romance as their ‘honeymoon’, but without the colourful arguments about which historical Roman ruins they would be avoiding before and after lunch. Given the heavily-pregnant Bec wasn’t feeling in ship-shape, despite being the shape of a ship, she was vocal about the weekend being as romantic as a seasick sojourn through Sydney’s septic system. Which it turned out to be.

Bec: Stop shaking.

Matt: I can’t. I have a fever.

Bec: You can’t possibly be that feverish. You’re shaking like a rollerblader on a corrugated iron roof.

Matt: I’ll stop shaking soon. I had some aspirin. And I took some expired malaria medication I found in my old travel bag, just in case. I got bitten by so many midgies this afternoon, one of them had to be carrying something.

Bec: Oh my god! How much expired malaria medication did you take?

Matt: I don’t know. I think there were six or seven tablets left.

Bec: Why did you take so much?

Matt: It was from 2005 when I went to Vietnam, so I figured I’d better take all of it to get the full effect.

Bec: Are you joking?

Matt: Yes.

Bec: You need to work on your jokes. They’re not very funny. Like when you were burying your wedding ring in the sand earlier today, and pretending you’d lost it, and then finding it again by making a metal detector sound. That wasn’t very funny.

Matt: I’m going to be a dad in five weeks. My jokes can’t be too funny or they won’t let me hold the baby in the hospital. They’ll be like ‘wait, this guy is hilarious, he can’t be the dad’.

Bec: There is no danger of that happening.

Matt: What’s that sound? It sounds like a dog vomiting.

Bec: It’s Molly.

Matt: What’s she doing?

Bec: Vomiting.

Matt: Where?

Bec: On your new jacket.

Matt: Why?

Bec: I think she ate too much sand today.

Matt: Why is she vomiting on my new jacket?

Bec: I put it down so she wouldn’t vomit on the floor.

Matt: How did you know she was going to vomit?

Bec: She’s already vomited five times tonight while you’ve been snoring. I’m sick of taking her outside to throw up, so when I heard her about to throw up, I put her on your jacket.

We’re unsure how Molly became so ill…

Matt: Can’t you just lock her in the shower so we can hose it down later?

Bec: No, because she will die and we won’t hear her and she’ll die.

Matt: You always skip to the worst-case scenario. Have you ever, just once, stopped and considered the best-case scenario? For example, in this case, it would be Molly appreciating the cool tiles, being in another room, not having to listen to you nagging, and comfortably vomiting down the drain where her pale, sandy dog-sick can easily be hosed out by you in the morning?

Bec: I’ve already taken her outside five times tonight. I’m not cleaning up after her any more.

Matt: Well, I’m sick, so I’m not doing it. You’re on your own.

Bec: I’m 35 weeks pregnant.

Matt: You should take the opportunity to squat and practise opening your pelvis, like we learned in birthing class.

Bec: There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team’, mate.

Matt: Yes, but there is an ‘i’ in dog vomit. Case closed. I’m sick. You have to do it.

Categories
Blog Featured Pregnancy

Things that go baby bump in the night…

Matt: It’s 3am and you’ve been rolling around for two hours. What’s going on? The bed hasn’t seen this much action since our wedding night.

Bec: I’ve got news for you if you think the bed has ever seen two hours of action.

Matt: Well, some of us are trying to sleep. I’m sure the baby is sick of it too. Can’t you just lay still?

Bec: I’ve got 11 kilos stuck on my front. I’m like one of those dolls that rights itself when you push them over. I’m bloated, I feel dizzy, I can’t sleep, I have to go to the toilet every 20 minutes. I only wish you knew how uncomfortable this was.

Matt: You’ve just described how I felt every Friday night from 1997 to 2010. You didn’t duck out to Fortitude Valley for 20 beers and a kebab while I was sleeping did you?

Bec: No. And I bet no kebab ever gave you reflux and kicked you in the ribs.

Matt: I’ve never had a kebab that didn’t do that.

Bec: Yes, well, I’m also stressed.

Matt: What about?

Bec: I was dreaming that I was sleeping on my stomach. Do you think perhaps I wasn’t dreaming, instead I was actually sleeping on my stomach?

Matt: No. And I’ve seen the route the baby is going to take on the way out of your stomach. Getting squashed by you sleeping the wrong way is the least of its concerns.

Bec: OK, well I’m stressed about my pyjama pants too.

Matt: Why?

Bec: They can sometimes wrap around my legs really tightly throughout the night. Do you think this is cutting off my circulation and therefore air to the baby?

Matt: No.

Bec: I just want to be sure. Maybe we should buy a baby monitor now, so we can monitor ourselves as we sleep. Baby monitors can record people sleeping can’t they?

Matt: I don’t know, but I’m sure there’s a thread on that at stalkerforum.com.

Bec: Hmmm. Do you think charging my phone on my bedside table is a good idea, given the electrical currents are close to the baby when I lay on my left side?

Matt: I’m sure the Apple people would have thought of that. But you have Google, so ultimately I’ll just wait for your diagnosis. Just don’t get too close to the phone though while you’re researching – best use the touch screen with a stick.

Categories
Blog Pregnancy

Baby shopping: the 157 essential items you must buy if you don’t want to be a bad parent

Bec: We’ve still got so many things to buy for the baby.

Matt: I know, right? What is the baby going to do on Saturday afternoons if he doesn’t have a seven metre yacht to sail on?

Bec: You’re not getting a yacht. We can’t afford a yacht.

Matt: I meant sailboat. I said “yacht” so you’d think I was rich and you would love me more.

Bec: I have access to your bank account, you can barely afford a Paddle Pop, and I still love you more than anyone else appears to, so we’re not getting a sailboat. We need important baby stuff. Like a baby monitor.

Matt: Why do we need a baby monitor? Isn’t he just going to sleep in the same room as us anyway, like our eleven-year-old dog, and your 31-year-old pillow?

Bec: I suppose. Maybe. How do we know when it’s time to put the baby in his own room?

Matt: Going by your record of separation anxiety, I imagine when he’s starting to bring girls home.

Bec: Seriously, there are so many things we need. According to this list in Platinum Parenting Magazine, there are 157 essential must-have baby items, and we only have five.

Matt: We’ve already got a cot, car seat, stroller, Baby Bjorn, and that shipping container of disposable nappies your aunt bought at Costco. I never had disposable nappies. I think we’re already splurging there. What else could we possibly need?

Bec: A change table for a start.

Matt: What’s wrong with the normal table?

Bec: The one we eat dinner from?

Matt: Yes.

Bec: Have you ever changed a baby?

Matt: No.

Bec: On that note, we’ll need a high chair.

Matt: Why?

Bec: So the baby can eat at the dinner table with us.

Matt: I thought babies just ate breast milk. Which I’m all for. If you want to feed the baby at the dinner table that’s awesome. It’ll be the first time I will have seen your boobs in nine months.

Bec: We’ll need a feeding chair.

Matt: How is that different to a high chair?

Bec: I’ll sit in the feeding chair to feed the baby. And you can too, when I’ve expressed and you’re doing the 3am shift.

Matt: Define “expressed”. And, while you’re at it, define “3am shift”.

Bec: You will be doing a “3am” feeding shift to assist me. And, I will be “expressing” to assist you to do this. And, according to Platinum Parenting Magazine, we’re going to need bottles, nipples, breast pads, a breast pump, nipple cream, and nipple guards.

Matt: Are you reading Platinum Parenting Magazine, or the classifieds section of Playboy Magazine?

Bec: I don’t think you realise what we’re up against here. We need ‘baby’ everything. Baby bath, baby towels, baby books, baby nail scissors, baby swing, baby booties, baby gym.

Matt: How are baby nail scissors different to normal nail scissors?

Bec: They’re ‘baby’.

Matt: What’s the difference between a “baby towel” and a “hand towel”?

Bec: Baby towels are made especially for babies.

Matt: Are they made from different towel material?

Bec: No. They’re just child-sized.

Matt: Like a hand towel then?

Bec: No, like a towel, for children.

Matt: Do they cost more?

Bec: They cost as much as a normal towel.

Matt: But they use 10% of the material.

Bec: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after our children.

Matt: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after my dreams of owning a sailboat. Also, I object to paying extra for things for small children – just put what we’ve got in the dryer and it will all be baby-size!

Bec: Oh, very good.

 

 

Categories
Blog Pregnancy

Things Bec has worried about since finding out she’s pregnant

  • That the guy in the pet supplies store whose breath smelled like cigarettes would give the baby lung cancer.
  • That the baby was hurt when the Woolworths truck backed out too quickly and gave Bec a fright.
  • That the baby was seriously injured when Bec had a facial and the lady at the beauty salon put a steam machine thing near her face.
  • That the baby will have foetal alcohol syndrome because Bec had two glasses of wine the night before it was conceived.
  • That the baby will be deformed because Bec carried the groceries in from the car and there was a two litre milk bottle in one of the bags (the strain).
  • That the baby will have gas poisoning from the time Matt sprayed a moth with flyspray in the bedroom whilst Bec was in the ensuite with the door shut.
  • That there is too much iron in Milo, almost a quarter of the recommended daily allowance, and that the baby will have an iron disease from having too much iron.
  • That the baby has mercury poisoning because she ate a small piece of mackerel, which the baby book said was very low in mercury, but it’s still a fish and fish can have mercury, so should she go to the hospital and get her stomach pumped.
  • That the half a can of Coke Zero she had was too much caffeine for the baby, and that the baby now has a caffeine addiction.
  • That the baby has chicken poo poisoning because when she went into the chicken coop, her hair touched where the chickens had been sitting and then some wind blew the hair near her lips.
  • That the baby has Hendra virus because the horse sneezed on Bec.
Categories
Blog Pregnancy

The Granfields find out they are having a baby

20 Weeks Ago…

Bec: So, I think I’m ovulating…

Matt: OK Darling. I’ve just got to finish watering the grapes. They’re getting a bit dry and I’ve finally got the length of the septic tank overflow pipe right so it reaches the furthest vine. There’s some poo and stuff about the place, but it’s good fertiliser. I’ll only be another five minutes.

Bec: Did you hear what I said?

Matt: Something about waiting. I’ll only be five more minutes.

Bec: No, I said ‘ovulating’.

Matt: I thought you said you were ‘over waiting’.

Bec: You need to get your hearing checked.

Matt: You need to stop mumbling from the verandah while I’m out in the vineyard. I can barely hear you.

Bec: You’re such a romantic.

Matt: I’m not the one wearing tracksuit pants, standing on a verandah, telling anyone who’ll listen that she’s ovulating.

Bec: I think we’ve established no one was listening.

19 Weeks Ago…

Bec: So, I think I’m pregnant.

Matt: Really?

Bec: I’ve peed on three different sticks. They all have a little bar on them.

Matt: And a little bar means we’re having a baby?

Bec: Yes.

Matt: Does three bars mean we’re having three little babies?

Bec: No, it means I have anxiety and I didn’t trust the first two sticks.

Matt: If we’re having triplets and this is a test, that’s OK. I will still support you.

Bec: Yes, well, if you run out on me now, my Dad will cut off your testicles, so I wasn’t doubting your dedication.

Matt: OK. Well, just so you know.

Bec: Well this is very exciting. How do you feel?

Matt: This is the best thing ever!

Bec: I know!

Matt: What do we do now?

Bec: I have no idea.

Matt: Don’t you have motherly instincts? Are they kicking in? What are they saying?

Bec: They’re saying “It’s time to consult Dr Google.”

Matt: Are you sure you want to do that?

Bec: Yes.

Matt: It’s just that Dr Google isn’t very reliable is he? Remember the time Dr Google diagnosed you with smallpox?

Bec: I had a number of the symptoms.

Matt: You had a mosquito bite.

Categories
Reviews

Matt and Bec use Uber: a review

It had been a while since Matt and Bec had needed to call a taxi home from something. Living in a country town and being, generally speaking, old and boring, meant that a ‘big Friday night out’ these days was opening a second bottle of wine and staying up past 9pm to watch a third episode of Parks and Recreation. There was talking of going to a rodeo once, but that was cancelled after the bull, who was the star of the show, turned out to be a cow.

Having finally become fed up with not doing particularly much with their weekend evenings, and with The Milmerran Camp Oven Festival the only major event looming on the Toowoomba social calendar, Matt and Bec decided to go back to Brisbane, their old home town, to see hit musical The Lion King. It had been a wonderful show, but now they had no idea how to get back to their hotel.

Bec: How good was The Lion King.

Matt: It was OK.

Bec: What do you mean ‘OK’? Didn’t you have fun?

Matt: You told me The Lion King was the heartwarming true story of a young African boy who decides, in the vein of Mighty Ducks, to coach a team of swimsuit models in their first international monster truck competition.

Bec: Surprise!

Matt: And there was a lot more singing than I expected.

Bec: A lot more singing than you expected in a musical?

Matt: That was a musical?

Bec: What did you think it was going to be?

Matt: I thought musicals were about Italians.

Bec: That’s Opera.

Matt: Well, either way, it was OK I suppose. But let’s go home. I’m tired.

Bec: I can’t see any taxis. And I’m not walking in these heels. It’s almost a kilometre back to the hotel. Can you carry my shoes please. What are we going to do?

Matt: Let’s Uber it.

Bec: Whats an “Uber it”?

Matt: It’s an app that lets you book a ride home.

Bec: It sounds like a German porn star.

Matt: It’s not a German porn star. It’s an app. It’s very good. They sometimes have free water in the cars.

Bec: How do you know?

Matt: I read it on the internet.

Bec: Is there an Ümlaut in Über?

Matt: I don’t think so.

Bec: There should be. I’m not travelling with a grammatically incorrect app. If they can’t get the grammar right, how do you know they’ve got the tyre pressure right?

Matt: Do you even know what the correct tyre pressure is?

Bec: 100.

Matt: 100 what?

Bec: Kilograms.

Matt: Wrong.

Bec: Get your Uber thing out. Let’s go.

Matt: OK. Done.

Bec: What do you mean, ‘done’? How do they know where we are?

Matt: The app just does it. You press a button and a car comes to you.

Bec: You mean a ‘taxi’.

Matt: No, it’s just a dude with a car.

Bec: You mean a ‘serial killer’.

Matt: No, they do a safety screening on all cars and drivers. And a criminal history check. And a driving history check. And they have to wear a suit, and nice shoes. Which serial killers don’t have. And they have to get a good rating to stay employed, so serial killers can’t be drivers.

Bec: What if it’s Patrick Bateman from American Psycho? He would have nice shoes.

Matt: He wasn’t a real serial killer, he was just a book/movie serial killer, and I’m pretty sure he was making it all up in his mind anyway. Either way, he wasn’t wearing shoes when he did his serial killing.

Bec: Thanks David Stratton.

Matt: Look, here comes the car.

Bec: Where?

Matt: There. The Black Prius.

Bec: How do you know that’s our car? That’s just a normal car.

Matt: That’s the whole point. That’s why it’s cheap. And I know it’s our car because the app says so. Look it’s stopping.

Uber Driver: Hi, are you Matt?

Matt: Yes. Hello.

Bec: How do we know he’s not a serial killer?

Matt: He’s not a serial killer. He’s wearing a suit, and he has carefully placed some bottles of water in the back for us, and there’s even a copy of today’s paper.

Bec: How do we know it’s not a trap? What if the water is poisoned? I’m going to ask him. Excuse me, how do we know you’re not a serial killer?

Uber Driver: I’ve passed a criminal history check and I’ve been driving taxis in Brisbane for 20 years and never had a complaint. In fact, I won the award for best customer service three years in a row. How do I know YOU’RE not a serial killer?

Bec: Why would you think I was a serial killer?

Uber Driver: Well, you’re not wearing any shoes for a start.

Categories
Travel

The Granfields stay at Freycinet eco lodge in Tasmania

It had been two years to the day since The Granfields’ wedding and to celebrate they had booked a stay at an exclusive eco lodge on the Freycinet Peninsula in Tasmania.

Matt: Hey Darling, look how lovely this is, what a nice cabin.

Bec: What’s that smell?

Matt: What smell?

Bec: I think it’s, like outdoorsy.

Matt: Do you mean fresh air?

Bec: Yes, I think that’s it.

Matt: This is a very exclusive eco lodge you know.

Bec: When you say ‘exclusive’, what do you mean.

Matt: I mean, it’s quite special. It’s in the national park.

Bec: But anyone can stay here right?

Matt: Well, yes, I suppose so.

Bec: So it’s exclusive to anyone who is staying here at the moment, anyone who has ever stayed here, and anyone who ever will stay here.

Matt: It has a lovely view of the bay, look out the window.

Bec: I can’t see the water, there are too many exclusive American tourists in the way.

Matt: How do you they are American?

Bec: I can hear them.

Matt: Well, the place had very good reviews on Tripadvisor.

Bec: Yes, I was reading Tripadvisor reviews of Freycinet. One American tourist had given the lookout a one star review because no one told him there were steps.

Matt: There are only two steps to our front door. I’m sure he would give this lodge a very good review.

Bec: Where’s the TV?

Matt: There is no TV. It’s an eco lodge.

Bec: I thought ‘eco’ meant ‘environmentally friendly’, not ‘environmentally boring’.

Matt: You don’t need a TV. We are at one with nature.

Bec: I don’t want to be at one with nature. I want to be at one with The Bachelor.

Matt: I thought that had finished?

Bec: There’s an exclusive interview tonight on The Project. Blake explains why he broke up with Sam so quickly after their TV engagement.

Matt: Maybe because he realised that after they had been married for two years he would have to explain to her that eco lodges didn’t have TVs.

Bec: I can’t believe there’s no TV.

Matt: They have some very nice hand cream in the bathroom.

Bec: See if you can use the hand cream to pick up Channel Ten then.

Categories
Breakfast Eggs Mushroom Prawns

Smoked Pork, Prawn and Mushroom Omelette

You need month-old, farm laid, free-range eggs at room temperature for this to come alive. In the same way the Italians will make pasta the hero, if you get the eggs right, and you know the chickens are loved, you can make an omelette above and beyond amazing. Smoked pork and prawns are a classic match, pad the middle out with heaps of diced onion for sweetness, cheese for cheesiness and then the mushrooms act like a sponge, soaking up the goodness. You need to make it right, sealing the outside to lock in the flavour for full effect, so follow Maggie Beer’s procedure as a guide if you’re not sure. I’m eating this as I type and there are little bits of drool on the keyboard.

Garnish with sorrel and paprika. Season well. Serve with fresh farm grown lemon and tomato chutney.

Drink with: Turkey Flat Rose

Categories
Mexican

Truffle Oil Tacos

Truffle Oil Tacos, photo credit: Teddy Kwok
Truffle Oil Tacos, photo credit: Teddy Kwok

As decadent as a Mayan sun God’s gold stash and tastier than melted cheese on chorizo.

Make the meat sauce with pork and veal, onion, chorizo, tomatoes, red chilli, Pedro Ximenez, Manzanilla, garlic, cumin, paprika, in that order.

Make the tortillas with wholeground Mexican stone ground white corn flour, mixed with truffle oil, salt, water and some sugar. Get the consistency to a point approximating smooth, dry play doh. Dry grill them in your biggest, heaviest pan.

Top with fresh tomato, avocado-heavy guacamole, heavy as a mofo sour cream, coriander, truffle oil and grated cheese. Put some lettuce or similar on the side.

Drink with a lightish Shiraz.