- That the guy in the pet supplies store whose breath smelled like cigarettes would give the baby lung cancer.
- That the baby was hurt when the Woolworths truck backed out too quickly and gave Bec a fright.
- That the baby was seriously injured when Bec had a facial and the lady at the beauty salon put a steam machine thing near her face.
- That the baby will have foetal alcohol syndrome because Bec had two glasses of wine the night before it was conceived.
- That the baby will be deformed because Bec carried the groceries in from the car and there was a two litre milk bottle in one of the bags (the strain).
- That the baby will have gas poisoning from the time Matt sprayed a moth with flyspray in the bedroom whilst Bec was in the ensuite with the door shut.
- That there is too much iron in Milo, almost a quarter of the recommended daily allowance, and that the baby will have an iron disease from having too much iron.
- That the baby has mercury poisoning because she ate a small piece of mackerel, which the baby book said was very low in mercury, but it’s still a fish and fish can have mercury, so should she go to the hospital and get her stomach pumped.
- That the half a can of Coke Zero she had was too much caffeine for the baby, and that the baby now has a caffeine addiction.
- That the baby has chicken poo poisoning because when she went into the chicken coop, her hair touched where the chickens had been sitting and then some wind blew the hair near her lips.
- That the baby has Hendra virus because the horse sneezed on Bec.
20 Weeks Ago…
Bec: So, I think I’m ovulating…
Matt: OK Darling. I’ve just got to finish watering the grapes. They’re getting a bit dry and I’ve finally got the length of the septic tank overflow pipe right so it reaches the furthest vine. There’s some poo and stuff about the place, but it’s good fertiliser. I’ll only be another five minutes.
Bec: Did you hear what I said?
Matt: Something about waiting. I’ll only be five more minutes.
Bec: No, I said ‘ovulating’.
Matt: I thought you said you were ‘over waiting’.
Bec: You need to get your hearing checked.
Matt: You need to stop mumbling from the verandah while I’m out in the vineyard. I can barely hear you.
Bec: You’re such a romantic.
Matt: I’m not the one wearing tracksuit pants, standing on a verandah, telling anyone who’ll listen that she’s ovulating.
Bec: I think we’ve established no one was listening.
19 Weeks Ago…
Bec: So, I think I’m pregnant.
Bec: I’ve peed on three different sticks. They all have a little bar on them.
Matt: And a little bar means we’re having a baby?
Matt: Does three bars mean we’re having three little babies?
Bec: No, it means I have anxiety and I didn’t trust the first two sticks.
Matt: If we’re having triplets and this is a test, that’s OK. I will still support you.
Bec: Yes, well, if you run out on me now, my Dad will cut off your testicles, so I wasn’t doubting your dedication.
Matt: OK. Well, just so you know.
Bec: Well this is very exciting. How do you feel?
Matt: This is the best thing ever!
Bec: I know!
Matt: What do we do now?
Bec: I have no idea.
Matt: Don’t you have motherly instincts? Are they kicking in? What are they saying?
Bec: They’re saying “It’s time to consult Dr Google.”
Matt: Are you sure you want to do that?
Matt: It’s just that Dr Google isn’t very reliable is he? Remember the time Dr Google diagnosed you with smallpox?
Bec: I had a number of the symptoms.
Matt: You had a mosquito bite.