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Bec and Matt welcome a new arrival…

Matt: I’ve got a surprise for you darling!

Bec: You’ve learnt how to budget?

Matt: I picked up my gun today! I’ve got it right here. Want to see it?

Bec: Get that thing out of the house! I don’t want to see it. I don’t want to know where it is. Store it somewhere bulletproof, bomb proof, burglar proof, child proof, and preferably Matt proof. I hate guns. And, will you PLEASE learn the difference between a surprise for you, and a surprise for me.

Matt: Is it a surprise if I want to go shoot my gun now, instead of talk to you?

Bec: At what?

Matt: Nothing. I just want to shoot it.

Bec: It’s 8.30pm; we have horses on our property, cows at the neighbours’, and wallabies everywhere.  You are not randomly shooting a gun into the distance at 8.30pm at night. You’ll accidentally kill something, and, our neighbours will think you’ve shot me.

Matt: They’ll be able to hear you yelling at me after the fact, so I doubt it. And I wasn’t going to shoot it randomly; I was going to shoot with sniper-like precision.

Bec: At what?

Matt: Rabbits.

Bec: No way.

Matt: The couch?

Bec: What?!?

Matt: The old couch. We just got a new couch. You said you hate the old couch. I’ll put it down the back. It’s a pretty big target so you won’t have to worry about me missing and hitting a bunny. Not that I’d miss, I’m like Annie Oakley.

Bec: No idea who that is. Anyway. How about you test all of that ‘precision’ you possess and ‘shoot’ all the lantana and weeds with the spray gun tomorrow? That could be fun?

Matt: How about LAME?

Bec: Very mature.

Matt: Telling me to go shooting with a spray gun is the same as you asking for a diamond necklace and me presenting you one from a gumball machine.

Bec: That would be the most you’ve spent on a present for me since we got married.

Matt: Yes, well, before we were married, there was a strong likelihood a present would lead to sex. Now I might as well just save my money and spend it on firearms.

Bec: Yes, well, how much money did you save up for this particular firearm?

Matt: None, I put it on the credit card you don’t have access to.

Featured Travel

The secrets of Sea World in the off season

Chick on entrance booth: That’ll be a hundred and sixty dollars

Matt: Oh, sorry, I think you’ve misunderstood, I didn’t want to pay for the busload of Japanese tourists who are standing over there in the car park next to the bus. It’s just me and Rebecca here.

Chick on entrance booth: Yes, it’s eighty dollars each.

Matt: Really? We’re only really coming to do the ‘swim with the dolphins’ thing I bought Bec for her birthday. I’ve already paid for that. Is it really a hundred and sixty dollars on top of that, just to get in?

Chick on entrance booth: Yes.

Matt: I didn’t realise a dolphin was included in that price. I really don’t have room in my car for a dolphin. I’d have to put the back seats down and last time I did that I had to put a ladder in and it got a bit of rust on the leather. I don’t really want dolphin on the leather. Imagine what my left-leaning friends would say if they knew I had dolphin stains on the leather.

Chick on entrance booth: The price doesn’t include a dolphin. You get a photo of the experience though. That’s included.

Bec: OK. It’s raining though. Are all the rides open?

Chick on entrance booth: *cough*

Bec: What do you mean “*cough*”?

Chick: Well, some of the park is currently being improved for the future enjoyment of guests.

Matt: Define “some of the park”.

Chick: It’s only some of the park.

Matt: Is the corkscrew open?

Chick: What’s the corkscrew?

Matt: The roller coaster.

Chick: Oh, it’s called the something else now.

Me: Is the something else open?

Chick: Not in the rain, no.

Bec: OK. What about the water ski stunt show? Will that be on?

Chick: No. During the winter months it’s usually a bit quiet, and management like to keep costs down, so we sack the water ski stunt team and put a sign on the ramp where they do some of the stunts saying that the particular section of the park involved in the stunt show is being improved for your future enjoyment.

Matt: Is the pirate ship operating? I don’t even like rides really, but I need to make Rebecca here think I’m at least a little bit manly, so if the roller coaster is out of action I’m going to need to pull something else.

Chick: No, we shut that down a few years ago after someone died when they were upside down and a mobile phone fell out of their pocket and into their mouth. They choked.

Bec: OK. What about that Bermuda Triangle thing, the boat ride thing with the flames. Is that open?

Chick: No, that is being improved for your future enjoyment.

Bec: I see. Are the polar bears still here?

Chick: We have four polar bears.

Bec: And how many are here, on display.

Chick: We don’t like to refer to them as being ‘on display’.

Bec: How do you refer to them?

Chick: We refer to them as being here for the present enjoyment of guests, as proudly brought to you by Coca Cola.

Bec: How many are here for the present enjoyment of the guests?

Chick: One. It sleeps in a cave at the back of the exhibit for most of the day.

Matt: Are the water slides open?

Chick: The water slides are closed for winter.

Bec: Are there any rides open?

Chick: There’s a merry go round.

Matt: Is it an extreme merry go round?

Chick: It’s a normal one. There may be some vomit on it.

Bec: Is that it? Is that all the rides?

Chick: The jet ski wussy roller coaster thing may operate if it stops raining.

Matt: What’s that?

Chick: It’s like a wussy roller coaster on the ground.

Bec: Is it safe? We don’t want a mobile phone choking us to death.

Chick: You aren’t allowed to take mobile phones on the ride.

Bec: What am I supposed to do with my mobile phone?

Chick: You can hire a locker. Lockers are available next to each ride.

Bec: How much are the lockers?

Chick: Eight dollars.

Bec: For the day?

Chick: For an hour.

Bec: How much do you get paid?

Chick: Less than that.

Bec: I thought so.

Chick: Would you like to purchase a VIP yearly ticket to Sea World for only $119?

Matt: What does that get us?

Chick: You get VIP entry to Sea World and a cup.

Matt: What is VIP entry?

Chick: Instead of queuing with everyone else you go in the VIP entry.

Bec: Where is that?

Chick: Here

Matt: No thank you.

Chick: OK

Bec: Oh bugger, I’ve forgotten my towel. I’ll have to go back and get it.

Chick: You’ll have to back out through the gift shop exit.

Matt: Actually, that works out, I forgot to bring sun screen. On the off chance that the sun comes out, am I able to buy sun screen from the gift shop?

Chick: No. The sun screen section of the gift shop is being improved for your future enjoyment.

Matt: I see. What exactly does the gift shop sell then?

Chick: Cups, and ‘My Family’ stickers.

Matt: OK. Is there any part of Sea World that is not currently being improved for my future enjoyment?

Chick: *thinks*

Bec: Is there a seal show?

Chick: Yes. There is a seal show.

Matt: What time is that on?

Chick: When is your dolphin swim experience thing?

Bec: 2.30pm

Chick: The seal show starts at 2.30pm.

Bec: Right.

Chick: Oh, do you like penguins?

Bec: I guess so.

Chick: The penguin experience is open.

Bec: What’s the penguin experience?

Chick: It’s some penguins in a swimming pool with some badly painted pictures of icebergs in the background and a bunch of penguin facts stuck to a wall. It’s very interactive.

Bec: What’s interactive about it?

Chick: You get to see some penguins interacting with each other in a swimming pool.

Bec: Is that your way of saying they may have a fight, or have sex, or something interesting?

Chick: No, they mostly sit in a corner and ignore everyone.

Bec: Is that what you’d like to be doing right now?

Chick: Yes.

Matt: OK, can I pay by credit card?

Chick: Yes, but there’s a $5.95 fee.

Matt: Oh, OK, well, I’ll pay by EFTPOS then.

Chick: OK, that’ll be $160, plus a $4.95 EFTPOS fee.

Matt: Is there anything in this theme park that doesn’t come with a hidden fee?

Chick: Yes. There’s a picture of some whales over in the back of the park near the smoking area. That is free to look at.

Matt: OK, how do I get there?

Chick: You take the monorail, return tickets are $10.

Health and Fitness

Is wine better for the stomach than hot chips and tomato sauce? A Granfield debate.

Matt: Hey Darling, you know how your tummy felt a bit funny the other night?

Bec: Yes.

Matt: I’m just worried it’s your diet. What did you eat yesterday?

Bec: Weet-Bix for breakfast, and then a milo. Coke zero and a chocolate chip muesli bar for morning tea. A Vegemite sandwich for lunch. A chocolate when I got home, and then cheese for dinner.

Matt: And what did you have the day before that?

Bec: The same.

Matt: What are you having today?

Bec: Pretty much the same thing, although it’s the weekend so I’ll probably have cheese for an entrée in the evening and then whatever you cook. We’re not having vegetables are we?

Matt: I was going to make some.

Bec: Can we have fish and chips instead?

Matt: We had a big night the other night so I was going to try and be healthy. What about fish and some steamed veges?

Bec: If you steam the potato before you turn it into chips and deep fry it, I’m in. Is that how Heston does his thrice-cooked chips?

Matt: Yes, sort of, but, I was thinking we should have some other vegetables as well. Maybe some asparagus, dutch carrots, brocollini and a salsa of red capsicum onion and coriander. And maybe a little home made aioli on the side.

Bec: Yuck. Just chips for me. With tomato sauce.

Matt: You know the fat kid, from Hey Dad?

Bec: Yes.

Matt: That’s you. You have the dietary habits of a 13-year-old boy.

Bec: You know the TV show Absolutely Fabulous?

Matt: Yes.

Bec: That’s you. You have the dietary habits of a 55-year-old female alcoholic.

Matt: That’s not fair.

Bec: You’re right. You eat and drink as much as them put together. I stand corrected. You have the dietary habits of TWO 55-year-old female alcoholics.

Matt: Two standard drinks per night is the recommended daily allowance for an adult male.

Bec: I can vaguely remember the last time you only had two standard drinks in a night. It think was 2011. And you were “having an alcohol free day”, because you’d had gastro.

Matt: Wine is good for your stomach. It’s even in the bible.

Bec: I don’t believe that for a second.

Matt: 1 Timothy, 5:22-24 says “Drink no longer water, but use a little wine for thy stomach’s sake and thine often infirmities.” You should drink more for your stomach’s sake.

Bec: Do you know that verse off by heart?

Matt: Yes, but to be fair, it’s the only bible verse I know off by heart.

Bec: I would have thought you’d memorised the bit about wives having to do whatever their husbands tell them.

Matt: No. That bit is pretty dodgy. I think that’s one of the bits of the bible you’re supposed to ignore, like the bit about slavery being all good.

Bec: Right. Well, either way, my stomach wasn’t upset the other night from a lack of wine.

Matt: Correct. Your stomach was upset from having the diet of a 13-year-old boy. And 13-year-old boys don’t drink wine. There’s your problem.

Bec: No, I think my stomach was upset from you leaving the dirty pots, pans, cooking utensils and defrosting meat in the sink for a day, and then cooking dinner without washing up, with the rationale that ‘you can’t get food poisoning if you drink wine, because the alcohol in wine kills bacteria’.

Matt: It’s true.

Bec: It’s not true. Remember the last time you gave yourself food poisoning? How much wine had you had that afternoon?

Matt: We shared a bottle. But that doesn’t count because we’d left the duck terrine in the sun for too long, when you do that, the duck bacteria out-ranks the alcohol. As long as you don’t leave meat in the sun, wine kills the bacteria.

Bec: You should run a cooking school.