It had been one year since they were married, so Matt and Bec decided they’d have an extra long weekend to celebrate. On the plus side, this meant they could go back to the city for a night, stay in a nice hotel and eat at a fancy Spanish restaurant. On the minus side, it also meant they were forced to talk to each other non-stop for five days.
Matt: I’m going to get my gun licence.
Bec: Are you that sick of me already that you want to knock me off? It’s not even our actual anniversary yet. Can you at least wait until after the 6th or Dad will be pissed that he gave us all that money for the wedding and we didn’t even last a year.
Matt: I’m not getting it now. You have to do a gun safety course first. I’ve booked into the course in November.
Bec: You should ask if they’ll give you Recognition of Prior Learning for using a Super Soaker.
Bec: I need a hobby.
Matt: You have a hobby.
Bec: What’s my hobby?
Matt: Doing nothing is your hobby. You’re very good at it.
Bec: Have you considered joining the motivational speaking circuit?
Matt: I’m considering offering an online course to teach motivational speakers.
Bec: I want a sewing machine.
Bec: I’ll go chop up some carrot for the chooks.
Matt: Do you know how to use a knife?
Matt: So what type of entertainment can I provide as your tipsy passenger today?
Bec: Uggh. I had forgotten how horrible it is to be your designated driver.
Matt: We can have ‘Fact’ Matt, in which I tell you true facts about every destination. Or ‘Made-up Facts’ Matt – for example, this bridge here over the Bremer River was built in 1422 by the Chinese at the bequest of Emperor Yin Yang, who wanted to provide a stock route down from the mountains so woolly mammoth could graze on the lush Ipswich plains of the Redbank Plaza carpark.
Bec: Tell me a true fact.
Matt: The average Coles avocado is squeezed 423 times before purchase.
Matt: No, I made that up. But it sounds true.
Sommelier: Do you need any assistance choosing the wine?
Matt: Yes. What can you recommend that’s quintessentially Spanish?
Bec: I like Shiraz.
Matt: That’s not Spanish.
Sommelier: This wine here is lovely. It’s from the Toro region. It’s Tempranillo, which is a bit like a Shiraz.
Matt: How much is it?
Matt: We’ll take it.
Bec: *glares at Matt*
Matt: What else do you have?
Sommelier: What sort of flavours do you like?
Matt: I like wine that tastes like wine. Bec likes wine that tastes like wood.
Sommelier: This Rioja Reserva has a nice balance of fruit and charred oak notes.
Bec: How much is it?
Bec: Is that per bottle?
Sommelier: Per glass.
Matt: We’ll take it.
Bec: Do you have anything else? Maybe more…
Sommelier: More suitable for a ‘Sunday night’?
Bec: Yes. Thank you. That’s where I was going.
Sommelier: You’ll like this one, it’s oaky, it’s Spanish, it will go with the lamb you just ordered and it’s $25 a bottle.
Bec: Thanks for not flushing the toilet darling. That was very sweet of you. Did you feel the need to leave me an extra special anniversary present?
Matt: Year one is the ‘paper’ anniversary. I left you some toilet roll.
Bec: And let me guess, next year is the ‘wood’ anniversary, right?
Matt: Next year is the ‘shut up’ anniversary.
Bec: Nope, actually, I’m just looking here now on my iPhone, next year is the ‘celibacy anniversary’, it commemorates the culmination of one whole year of celibacy.