Bec: C’mon, we’d better stop at the shops on the way home. We’ve nothing left in the cupboard.
Matt: We’ve got lots of food left.
Bec: No we don’t. You’ve been refusing to buy anything for three weeks.
Matt: We’ve got lots to eat. If we were in Africa we’d be food billionaires.
Bec: I checked this morning. We have a tin of corn, ten grains of brown rice and five weevils.
Matt: And a packet of instant soup mix I bought on the way up to Toowoomba in 2012 in case we ever ran out of food and couldn’t make it to the shop. We could have corn soup with a side of rice and caramelised weevil legs for dessert. That’s a three course meal right there.
Bec: I don’t like corn.
Matt: What’s your policy on weevil legs?
Bec: Do weevils even have legs?
Matt: I don’t know.
Bec: Matt things aren’t that tight. We need some fruit and some breakfast stuff, and I’m not having corn soup for dinner.
Matt: OK. But let’s be frugal. Pretend you’re a uni student. We can even make furniture out of boxes when we get home if you like – to make it more authentic.
Bec: OK. Let’s get some things for sandwiches so we make our own lunch.
Matt: Good plan.
Matt: That’s a luxury item. We don’t need avocado.
Bec: Swiss cheese?
Matt: No, that’s too expensive. Look at this cheese. You have to look at the price per kilo. The cheese we normally get is, like, $63 a kilo. We should get the Coles brand cheddar cheese. Unsliced. We don’t want to be paying someone to slice our cheese. We have knives at home. If we cut out the Swiss cheese and your coke zero addiction we’d have enough money for three houses by now.
Bec: We’re really having this conversation? You buy wine like we’re one weekend away from prohibition being declared. And each day is a new special treat – Monday is “sashimi-day” because you’ve been unhealthy all weekend, Tuesday is “one day from Monday so I needed an ice-cream”, Wednesday is “there were no new episodes of Top Gear last night so I had caviar”.
Matt: All great jokes. Now, do you like carrots?
Matt: What if I put honey on them? Honey carrots?
Matt: We really need to eat cheaper vegetables. Look at this broccolini. This is $4 a bunch. Four dollars a bunch! You don’t even eat the stems. If you factor in the non-stem weight, this broccolini works out to be the same price per kilo as saffron.
Bec: Molly eats them, so we’re feeding the whole family. It’s like a meal deal. Anyways, if you’re that keen to save money, why don’t we go to Aldi?
Matt: What if someone sees us?
Bec: You could put your hood on. Just like how you socialize. Oh look – there’s the Bottle-O. Aren’t we out of Grange?
Matt: I was thinking more 2005 Hunter Semillon. Don’t worry, I’ll get some cask shiraz as well.
Bec: Sounds great. I’ll be applying the same cheapness to your birthday presents. Remember to be grateful when you receive wrapped up bits of my hair.