I resolve to try and remember to drive around the overhanging tree branches instead of through them, despite us having a 4WD, made for that purpose.
I resolve to not cut you off saying “I hate science/history/cars” whenever I feel your story is heading that way. Although entertaining and a sure time-saver for me, I get that it might be perceived as rude.
I resolve to try to maintain a neutral expression when you choose ‘dub step’ on Spotify instead of my usual ‘I’d rather lick a recently-used razor than listen to this shit’ expression.
I resolve that when I go canoeing with you, I’ll strive for a 1:20 paddle stroke ratio. I know you’ll appreciate this significant increase. Exceptions to this rule though include it being hot, when I hear a mosquito, when I’m hungry, or when I see bubbles on the water’s surface indicating the obvious presence of a crocodile.
I resolve to contemplate trying new foods other than different ways of doing potato.
Matt’s 2013 Relationship New Years’ Resolutions
I resolve that piling dirty dishes in the sink will not get them as clean as piling them in the dishwasher and starting the dishwasher. And that sink-dwelling ants are not an internationally recognised cleaning agent, as per previous claims.
I resolve to ‘listen’ to you when you are telling me about your day instead of day-dreaming about Zoe Deschanel moving in as our quirky new room-mate who votes with me 2-1 on watching Top Gear.
I resolve to learn more interesting ways to deep fry or otherwise disguise vegetables so you can benefit from their nutritional value instead of their visual plate appeal alone. I resolve to use the ‘Interesting Ways to Cook Vegetables’ book you thoughtfully gave me for that explicit purpose, instead of using it as a book-end because I like the pretty pictures on the cover.
I resolve that running away from home at the age of 32 and hiding in the back of the car is not a mature, emotionally-intelligent way of resolving marital conflict.
I resolve that you do not need to be told that your way of navigating to your grandparents’ house is ‘bizarre’ and that whilst planning out the most effective route, taking into account traffic incidents and fuel efficiency would be prudent if I were in charge of the space shuttle program, such precision and judgment of those without such precision is not conducive to a harmonious car relationship. Especially when you are driving so I can have a few beers.
So, dear readers, we’ve shared. What are your New Years’ relationship resolutions?
Bec: Sweetheart can you help me bring the groceries in from the car?
Matt: Gosh. Your car is a mess. How do you cope with all this crap everywhere?
Bec: Well, I guess just like you with your ear hair, you fail to notice it after a while.
Matt: Why do you have tweezers in here?
Bec: To multi-task at the lights.
Matt: What’s this?
Bec: It’s an RACQ envelope.
Matt: It’s from 1998.
Bec: I like history.
Matt: Why is it covered in lipstick?
Bec: Because I use it to blot my lips so I can kiss you and you don’t complain.
Matt: Don’t they have some sort of professional lip-blotting product for that sort of thing?
Matt: I would invent that if I was a girl and I worked for a tissue company. You’d get baby wipes and change the packaging put aloe vera and caffeine in them and say Katy Perry uses them and then all the girls would think that if they used them they would have lips like Katy Perry and boys would kiss them. And girls too, I suppose, like the song. You could have cherry chapstick flavor.
Bec: When you kiss me do you ever wish you were kissing Katy Perry?
Matt: Don’t make me answer that. What’s this?
Bec: It’s a thong.
Matt: Where’s the other one.
Bec: I don’t know.
Matt: Why do you have a flouro yellow workplace health and safety vest in here? Is that for when you’re guiding aircraft onto the appropriate runway?
Bec: It’s for work.
Matt: At what stage does sending a media release to the local newspaper require the wearing of a flouro yellow vest?
Bec: I go to dangerous places sometimes.
Matt: Is this the holder for a toilet brush?
Matt: When did you finish this can of Coke Zero?
Matt: Why do you have so many Coke Zero cans in here? Are you collecting them for recycling?
Bec: Walking to the bin is annoying.
Matt: You walk past the bin every morning on the way to your car?
Bec: Your Christmas present is in the boot. I might put that in the bin.
Matt: How many books do you have on your back seat? Have a guess.
Last week Rebecca, in a selfless and lucid act, translated Matt Granfield. This week, to restore the balance, I have attempted to clarify what Rebecca really means. Translations are situationally categorised for easy reference.
Day to Day Conversation
How was your day? Ask me about my day.
I had a bad day today. Sit down. Don’t say anything, except for when I ask you if she was being a bitch, in which case, the answer is ‘yes, so and so is a total bitch’. Don’t expect to watch Top Gear tonight. You might get a toilet break in a couple of hours, as long as it’s only a wee. Also, we won’t be having sex tonight, or until further notice.
You’re not interested in me: It’s been two minutes since you asked me about my feelings.
What do you think? I’m going to look at my phone for a while now.
It’s Saturday. What do you want to do today? I want to get the papers, read them at the kitchen table for a couple of hours, do a load of washing, look at shoes on the internet and eat chips for dinner.
It’s Sunday. What do you want to do today? Can you please go and get the papers and a can of Coke Zero for me.
I don’t mind what we have for dinner, you decide. Seriously, I could eat whatever. I want fish and chips, three glasses of shiraz, and I want them served at 7.00pm from that specific restaurant over there. It’s now only 6.15pm so that gives us 45 mins to go and look at the menu of every other restaurant in the city, whereupon I can remind you I either don’t like that particular type of cuisine, or that we had that type of cuisine at some point in the last two years and I don’t feel like it again.
This is gross. This has vegetables in it.
This looks nice. This has been deep fried.
I’ll drive. I’ll drive for three minutes and then you drive.
That’s too far away. That will take more than three minutes.
I don’t know how to get there. I have driven past there every weekday for the last 12 months.
I don’t like driving. It’s much easier to put makeup on in the car if you’re driving.
Right: You should have turned right a kilometre ago.
I feel so gross. I had chocolate for breakfast again.
I’m not hungry, I’m just going to have a glass of wine for dinner. I ate my lunch as soon as I got to work again and then felt guilty about it all day, so now I haven’t eaten for eight hours and my stomach is eating itself. I’m going to have a stupid fake chocolate diet shake thing for dinner and then I’m going to have three glasses of wine.