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Conversations with Girls

Fiance

Me: *scratching my back with brush thing in shower* Hey darling, this back scratcher is awesome!

Fiance: It’s an exfoliater.

Me: What does that do?

Fiance: You’re not supposed to use it wet. It exfoliates.

Me: What’s that?

Flatmate

Me: Morning! I love that dress!

Flatmate: What? Sorry, I’m late for work, I have to go.

Me: I was just saying that I like that dress.

Flatmate: I don’t know.

Me: You don’t know?

Flatmate: What?

Me: I said I love that dress.

Flatmate: Oh! Thank you.

Me: Are all the tags supposed to be on the outside?

Flatmate: Huh?

Me: The tags. They’re on the outside. I think your dress is inside out.

Flatmate: S***

Dog

Fiance’s dog, Molly: Where have you been?

Me: Hey, I just had my book launch, it went really well!

Molly: You’ve been gone for almost two hours. This is ridiculous. RIDICULOUS. I’ve been on the bed sulking the whole time.

Me: Sorry.

Molly: I did wee-wees in the corner as a protest. And not the corner with the newspaper, the corner with your hat.

Me: Really? You could have just gone on the newspaper.

Molly: You’re lucky I didn’t do wee-wees on the bed. I only didn’t go on the bed because it’s Mum’s bed. If it was your bed, I would have gone. You need to pay more attention to me.

Me: No, you’re right. My fault. Sorry.

Molly: I’m never ever forgiving you.

Me: Hey, look, Schmackos! Do you want a schmacko?

Molly: OMG!!!

Me: How is it?

Molly: OMG!!! AMAZE!!! GIVE ME ANOTHER ONE OMG!!!

Me: OK.

Molly: NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!

Me: Do you forgive me now?

Molly: What are you talking about?

Me: Do you forgive me now, for leaving?

Molly: When?

Mum

Me: Hey Mum.

Mum: What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing’s wrong, I just thought I’d call to say hello. I haven’t spoken to you in a couple of weeks so I thought I’d call.

Mum: Oh, OK, I thought something was wrong.

Me: How are you?

Mum: Good.

Me: Good.

Mum: I’ve been thinking about that tattoo you got. Is it because we didn’t let you get the haircut you wanted in grade nine?

Me: No Mum.

Mum: OK.

Nan

Me: Hi Nan, guess what, I’m getting married!

Nan: Who to?

Me: To Rebecca.

Nan: Oh, lovely. Have your parents met her?

Me: What?

Nan: We’re off to the shops today, we need some new tea towels because the old ones are getting a bit frayed so we thought we’d buy some new tea towels from the shops. I was thinking of getting blue ones but your Grandpa wants red ones, so we’ll have to decide, but I think I like the blue ones. Do you remember the tea towel with the windmill on it? That was always your favourite. I thought we might get something like that.

Me: OK.

Nan: Your cousin’s boyfriend got promoted at work, he’s now foreman.

Me: OK, well, just letting you know, I’m engaged.

Flatmate

Me: Do the cushions on my bed look a bit, well, you know, gay?

Flatmate: No, the cushions on your bed don’t look gay.

Me: Good.

Flatmate: The lace draped over the four posts, on the other hand…

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