I would totally be an early morning person if the sun rose four hours later. As it is, the only way I would ever be truly happy rising with the sun was if I had a winter home in Sweden where first light is around 11.30 and it gets dark again just after lunch. That idea actually has appeal too, log cabins are very hip indeed – other than a Moleskine notebook, a Jack Kerouac novel and a fixed gear bicycle, nothing goes better with a long unkempt beard than a cabin in the woods. They are hipster as.
In fact, the only thing stopping me having a winter home in Sweden is the fact that I can’t ski or ride a snowmobile, so if I lived there I’d be stuck indoors for three months of the year. That kind of isolation would do wonders for my knitting career, but the only thing to eat in a Swedish log cabin in winter is pickled herrings and I’m not a big fan. Pickled cucumber on a cheeseburger, yes; mad for it. Pickled fish in a jar, no.
As it was, I had cause to be out in the wide world early this morning. Not crack of dawn early, but out and about doing actual things (as opposed to the cleaning of teeth and the washing of armpits) before 8am, which is earlyesque for me.
As a result, I made the following astonishing learnings.
- If you drive over the 40km/h school zone speed hump at 87km/h to demonstrate the ‘clunking’ noise in your car’s suspension for the mechanic, you will indeed get an audible ‘clunking’ noise. You will also get air. And the mechanic will try and get out of the car whilst it is still in motion with a hurried excuse about how ‘it’s not really that far to walk back, really, it’s fine’.
- If you are walking through a backstreet of Fortitude Valley and you bend down to pick up the $2 coin the old man drops whilst putting into the parking meter, he will think you are a mugger and not a charitable citizen.
- There are people who don’t bathe. Ever. And they scratch their bottom crack, deep. And they pick their nose. And they buy petrol. Do not under any circumstances use the petrol bowser after them and not wash your hands before eating a service station muffin before realising that the person who used the petrol bowser before you is the smelly, scabby person standing in front of you in line picking their nose and/or bottom crack.
- Service stations sell handy little bottles of listerine mouthwash.
- Swallowing listerine mouthwash will disinfect your insides AND give you a happy little morning buzz. It is also more socially acceptable than drinking whiskey. Hot tip.
- If you want it to rain overnight, hurry to the carwash at 4.30pm the afternoon before.
- They make albino possums.