Twelve Indisputable Facts of Life

Council Bins
  1. Nobody knows whether it is actually recycling bin night. One person on the street takes a chance and the rest follow their lead.
  2. The average supermarket avocado has been squeezed by 427 other customers before you buy it.
  3. If your question to your husband begins with “have you seen my…” you’ll only ever get two answers – “I don’t know” or “I don’t know what that is”
  4. The keys are in the same place as your mobile phone. Which is flat. And carefully stored in the bottom of the bucket on the third shelf in the bathroom cupboard – a place you chose last night after the fourth glass of wine so you wouldn’t forget where to find your keys.
  5. You will remember where you put them ten minutes after you need to.
  6. You CAN type at 140 w.p.m. with 100% accuracy. As long as no one is watching.
  7. The incessantly beeping smoke alarm with the flat battery is at the top of the stairs and inaccessible by ladder.
  8. Candles you get from ‘Target’ burn longer, smell nicer, and you won’t need to talk to weird candle shop women, who judge you when you inevitably reject their up-selling of unnecessary candle accessories.
  9. Putting a siren sample in your popular song is a fantastic idea. As long as no one will ever listen to your song in a motor vehicle stuck at traffic lights.
  10. If you want a significantly overweight person to appear out of nowhere, board a plane, and await your long haul flight to London. Have a spare seat next to you. Wait 5 seconds before the plane doors close. Voila.
  11. People who know how to relate to little dogs are the best. They (little dogs) test empathy. i.e. they’re small, vulnerable – everyone and everything else being big. Good people recognise that and adjust their approach.
  12. We all pretend to write down reference numbers given over the phone. Nobody actually does.
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