Things that go baby bump in the night…

Bec and her rather large bump

Matt: It’s 3am and you’ve been rolling around for two hours. What’s going on? The bed hasn’t seen this much action since our wedding night.

Bec: I’ve got news for you if you think the bed has ever seen two hours of action.

Matt: Well, some of us are trying to sleep. I’m sure the baby is sick of it too. Can’t you just lay still?

Bec: I’ve got 11 kilos stuck on my front. I’m like one of those dolls that rights itself when you push them over. I’m bloated, I feel dizzy, I can’t sleep, I have to go to the toilet every 20 minutes. I only wish you knew how uncomfortable this was.

Matt: You’ve just described how I felt every Friday night from 1997 to 2010. You didn’t duck out to Fortitude Valley for 20 beers and a kebab while I was sleeping did you?

Bec: No. And I bet no kebab ever gave you reflux and kicked you in the ribs.

Matt: I’ve never had a kebab that didn’t do that.

Bec: Yes, well, I’m also stressed.

Matt: What about?

Bec: I was dreaming that I was sleeping on my stomach. Do you think perhaps I wasn’t dreaming, instead I was actually sleeping on my stomach?

Matt: No. And I’ve seen the route the baby is going to take on the way out of your stomach. Getting squashed by you sleeping the wrong way is the least of its concerns.

Bec: OK, well I’m stressed about my pyjama pants too.

Matt: Why?

Bec: They can sometimes wrap around my legs really tightly throughout the night. Do you think this is cutting off my circulation and therefore air to the baby?

Matt: No.

Bec: I just want to be sure. Maybe we should buy a baby monitor now, so we can monitor ourselves as we sleep. Baby monitors can record people sleeping can’t they?

Matt: I don’t know, but I’m sure there’s a thread on that at stalkerforum.com.

Bec: Hmmm. Do you think charging my phone on my bedside table is a good idea, given the electrical currents are close to the baby when I lay on my left side?

Matt: I’m sure the Apple people would have thought of that. But you have Google, so ultimately I’ll just wait for your diagnosis. Just don’t get too close to the phone though while you’re researching – best use the touch screen with a stick.

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