How to build a bench seat: Part One

A bench seat

Matt: Let’s buy a boat!

Bec: We live 200km from the sea.

Matt:

Bec: We’re not buying a boat.

Matt: What about our dream of buying a yacht and sailing it home from The Mediterranean Sea?

Bec: What are you talking about?

Matt: I told you this the other day. Our retirement plan. We need to practise being boaties, or we’ll get to retirement and be total boating newbs.

Bec:

Matt: How about we build a BBQ firepit pizza oven area in the back yard, with wooden bench seats and a firepit and a BBQ area?

Bec: OK.

Matt: Really?

Bec: Yep. Let’s go to Masters. But let’s start with something simple. Make some bench seats first. I don’t want to commit to the rest until you’ve proven yourself. Otherwise we’ll end up spending $1,000 on landscape supplies and they’ll sit over by the fence gathering dust. Like the last $1,000 worth of landscaping supplies.

Matt: I am going to build that retaining wall I was talking about, I just need to wait for the weather to warm up a little.

Bec: In summer you said you had to wait for it to cool down a little. Either way, let’s just go.

Matt: OK awesome. But Masters won’t have the range of supplies we need. We need to go to that tradie’s timber warehouse across town.

Bec: Won’t Masters be catering for people like us though? People who are doing little projects like this one?

Matt: Look, if it makes you’ll happy, we’ll go there, but we’ll be wasting our time.

*20 mins later*

Bec: Oh, look at those pieces of wood at the entry there. Outside. On special. They look pretty wide. Aren’t they exactly what we need?

Matt: I doubt it.

Bec: Excuse me (speaking to Masters Guy) – what do you use this wood out the front here for?

Masters Guy: Lots of stuff, but it’s particularly good for bench seating. We’re seeing a lot of young couples come through who buy it for bench seating.

Bec: We’ll take four planks please.

Matt: We only need two planks of this, but it’ll be so annoying because we’ll have to cut it up with the chainsaw.

Masters Guy: We can cut it here for you. Free of charge. Whatever size you like.

Bec: Is the first cut the deepest? HAHAHAHAHAH.

*Silence*

Matt: We need some coach screws now.

Masters Guy: What sort of coach are you building?

Matt: We’re building some bench seats actually.

Masters Guy: Yes, I figured. That was a joke. Sorry.

Bec: Don’t apologise to him. He’s just a bit slow. And jealous of your joke.

Masters Guy: Over in aisle 9.

Bec: What are coach screws?

Matt: They’re like a cross between a bolt and a screw. They’re for holding heavy timber together. They take a while to drill and implement, but they’re worthwhile.

Bec: This project isn’t going to take that long though is it? Don’t you just have to ghhhhzzz the wood together?

Matt: Ghhhhzzz it?

Bec: Yes. You don’t know what that is?

Matt: No.

Bec: Look at my body language – ghhhhzzz it. *Moves arms forward in drilling motion*

Matt: You mean use a drill?

Bec: Yes. Haven’t you seen The Block?

Matt: Is that the one with the twins?

Bec: Yes.

Matt: I hate that show. It’s full of stupid city people trying to build stuff in inappropriate clothing and hairstyles. Speaking of which, the clothes you’re wearing are too good to be working in the yard. You’ll have to change when we get back.

Bec: I will really only be doing light, cosmetic work, and then I’ll probably get tired or bored, so they’ll be fine.

Matt: Sounds right. So what work are you going to do?

Bec: I will move about three rocks, and then I’ll probably sit down and take photos of you working, and Instagram it.

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