Baby shopping: the 157 essential items you must buy if you don’t want to be a bad parent

Childcare supplies in East Berliin

Bec: We’ve still got so many things to buy for the baby.

Matt: I know, right? What is the baby going to do on Saturday afternoons if he doesn’t have a seven metre yacht to sail on?

Bec: You’re not getting a yacht. We can’t afford a yacht.

Matt: I meant sailboat. I said “yacht” so you’d think I was rich and you would love me more.

Bec: I have access to your bank account, you can barely afford a Paddle Pop, and I still love you more than anyone else appears to, so we’re not getting a sailboat. We need important baby stuff. Like a baby monitor.

Matt: Why do we need a baby monitor? Isn’t he just going to sleep in the same room as us anyway, like our eleven-year-old dog, and your 31-year-old pillow?

Bec: I suppose. Maybe. How do we know when it’s time to put the baby in his own room?

Matt: Going by your record of separation anxiety, I imagine when he’s starting to bring girls home.

Bec: Seriously, there are so many things we need. According to this list in Platinum Parenting Magazine, there are 157 essential must-have baby items, and we only have five.

Matt: We’ve already got a cot, car seat, stroller, Baby Bjorn, and that shipping container of disposable nappies your aunt bought at Costco. I never had disposable nappies. I think we’re already splurging there. What else could we possibly need?

Bec: A change table for a start.

Matt: What’s wrong with the normal table?

Bec: The one we eat dinner from?

Matt: Yes.

Bec: Have you ever changed a baby?

Matt: No.

Bec: On that note, we’ll need a high chair.

Matt: Why?

Bec: So the baby can eat at the dinner table with us.

Matt: I thought babies just ate breast milk. Which I’m all for. If you want to feed the baby at the dinner table that’s awesome. It’ll be the first time I will have seen your boobs in nine months.

Bec: We’ll need a feeding chair.

Matt: How is that different to a high chair?

Bec: I’ll sit in the feeding chair to feed the baby. And you can too, when I’ve expressed and you’re doing the 3am shift.

Matt: Define “expressed”. And, while you’re at it, define “3am shift”.

Bec: You will be doing a “3am” feeding shift to assist me. And, I will be “expressing” to assist you to do this. And, according to Platinum Parenting Magazine, we’re going to need bottles, nipples, breast pads, a breast pump, nipple cream, and nipple guards.

Matt: Are you reading Platinum Parenting Magazine, or the classifieds section of Playboy Magazine?

Bec: I don’t think you realise what we’re up against here. We need ‘baby’ everything. Baby bath, baby towels, baby books, baby nail scissors, baby swing, baby booties, baby gym.

Matt: How are baby nail scissors different to normal nail scissors?

Bec: They’re ‘baby’.

Matt: What’s the difference between a “baby towel” and a “hand towel”?

Bec: Baby towels are made especially for babies.

Matt: Are they made from different towel material?

Bec: No. They’re just child-sized.

Matt: Like a hand towel then?

Bec: No, like a towel, for children.

Matt: Do they cost more?

Bec: They cost as much as a normal towel.

Matt: But they use 10% of the material.

Bec: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after our children.

Matt: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after my dreams of owning a sailboat. Also, I object to paying extra for things for small children – just put what we’ve got in the dryer and it will all be baby-size!

Bec: Oh, very good.

 

 

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