Bec: We’ve still got so many things to buy for the baby.
Matt: I know, right? What is the baby going to do on Saturday afternoons if he doesn’t have a seven metre yacht to sail on?
Bec: You’re not getting a yacht. We can’t afford a yacht.
Matt: I meant sailboat. I said “yacht” so you’d think I was rich and you would love me more.
Bec: I have access to your bank account, you can barely afford a Paddle Pop, and I still love you more than anyone else appears to, so we’re not getting a sailboat. We need important baby stuff. Like a baby monitor.
Matt: Why do we need a baby monitor? Isn’t he just going to sleep in the same room as us anyway, like our eleven-year-old dog, and your 31-year-old pillow?
Bec: I suppose. Maybe. How do we know when it’s time to put the baby in his own room?
Matt: Going by your record of separation anxiety, I imagine when he’s starting to bring girls home.
Bec: Seriously, there are so many things we need. According to this list in Platinum Parenting Magazine, there are 157 essential must-have baby items, and we only have five.
Matt: We’ve already got a cot, car seat, stroller, Baby Bjorn, and that shipping container of disposable nappies your aunt bought at Costco. I never had disposable nappies. I think we’re already splurging there. What else could we possibly need?
Bec: A change table for a start.
Matt: What’s wrong with the normal table?
Bec: The one we eat dinner from?
Bec: Have you ever changed a baby?
Bec: On that note, we’ll need a high chair.
Bec: So the baby can eat at the dinner table with us.
Matt: I thought babies just ate breast milk. Which I’m all for. If you want to feed the baby at the dinner table that’s awesome. It’ll be the first time I will have seen your boobs in nine months.
Bec: We’ll need a feeding chair.
Matt: How is that different to a high chair?
Bec: I’ll sit in the feeding chair to feed the baby. And you can too, when I’ve expressed and you’re doing the 3am shift.
Matt: Define “expressed”. And, while you’re at it, define “3am shift”.
Bec: You will be doing a “3am” feeding shift to assist me. And, I will be “expressing” to assist you to do this. And, according to Platinum Parenting Magazine, we’re going to need bottles, nipples, breast pads, a breast pump, nipple cream, and nipple guards.
Matt: Are you reading Platinum Parenting Magazine, or the classifieds section of Playboy Magazine?
Bec: I don’t think you realise what we’re up against here. We need ‘baby’ everything. Baby bath, baby towels, baby books, baby nail scissors, baby swing, baby booties, baby gym.
Matt: How are baby nail scissors different to normal nail scissors?
Bec: They’re ‘baby’.
Matt: What’s the difference between a “baby towel” and a “hand towel”?
Bec: Baby towels are made especially for babies.
Matt: Are they made from different towel material?
Bec: No. They’re just child-sized.
Matt: Like a hand towel then?
Bec: No, like a towel, for children.
Matt: Do they cost more?
Bec: They cost as much as a normal towel.
Matt: But they use 10% of the material.
Bec: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after our children.
Matt: I’m starting to get the feeling you don’t want to properly look after my dreams of owning a sailboat. Also, I object to paying extra for things for small children – just put what we’ve got in the dryer and it will all be baby-size!
Bec: Oh, very good.