A conversation with my ex-flatmate’s cat Bailey

Me: Hey mate, do you want to go outside?

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: No, not really

Me: Come on

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Nah, I’m cool here hey

Me: Come on, I have to go to work, you’re supposed to go outside when I go to work

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: All good. Just going to chill on the couch brother

Me: Nup. Come on. Outside.

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: I can’t hear you

Me: Outside

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: I can’t hear you

Me: OUTSIDE

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: You’re not my real dad

Me: I’ll stomp my feet. Like, REALLY loudly.

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Whatever

Me: *stomp*

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: For real?

Me: *STOMP STOMP*

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: You stomp like a girl. Wake me when you get home. Is there any fish in the bin?

Me: There’s no fish in the bin. I’m going to the bathroom to clean my teeth, and when I come back, you’re going outside. OK?

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: OK

Me: *cleans teeth*

Me: Why are you hiding under my bed? You’re not supposed to hide under my bed

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: It’s my f***ing house mate

Me: It’s not your house. Its my house. You’ve only been here for a few months. I’ve been here for two years.

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: I think you’ll find it’s my house

Me: Dude. Come on. Outside

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: The wall behind me is really interesting. Like, REALLY interesting. Have you seen it? Have a look at the wall. Interesting. I’m going to look at the wall for a bit.

Me: Bailey. Come on mate. Outside.

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Whoever painted this did a great job. It obviously wasn’t you, you’re shit.

Me: Come on Bailey, outside.

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: I love this carpet hey

Me: Right, I’m getting the fly spray

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Whatever

Me: *gets fly spray*

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: What are you going to do?

Me: If you don’t go outside I’m going to shake this really loudly, and you know it. You hate that.

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: I used to hate that. I hated that the first time you did it because that f**ken dickhead at Claire’s old place sprayed me with it. You’re not going to do that, so whatever.

Me: *shake shake*

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Yep

Me: *SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE*

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: You’re a wanker mate

Me: *SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE*

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: I’m just going to have a sleep here under your bed OK. Wake me when you get home.

Me: No, dude, c’mon, outside

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: What’s in it for me?

Me: There’s nothing in it for you. Just, c’mon, outside.

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Dude, don’t c’mon me. Feed me something.

Me: Do you want some food? I’ll get some of that, I’ll put it on the doorstep for you. How about that?

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Yeah, maybe

Me: *Puts dried food on doorstep*

Me: There you go, dinner, outside. There you go.

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Dried food? F*** that.

Me: You like it

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: I don’t f***ing like it.

Me: You always eat it

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: No I don’t

Me: Yes you do! I saw you eating it the other night

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Nup

Me: I’m going to pick you up and take you outside

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Have you seen that movie, 127 hours?

Me: What?

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: The movie. 127 hours. Have you seen it?

Me: What are you talking about?

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: The one where he cuts his arm off

Me: Outside

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: If you f***ing touch me I’ll scratch your f***ing arm off like that movie. Want to give it a crack? Come on, pick me up.

Me: Just go outside please.

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: You’re late for work.

Me: Yes

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: I’ll make you a deal

Me: What?

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Let me stay here under your bed and I won’t vomit on the rug next time you’re out, and you think I’m out, but I’m not out, I’m just in Claire’s room.

Me: That’s not a deal

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Remember when I vomited on the rug?

Me: You’re an idiot

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Stank didn’t it

Me: OK fine

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Deal?

Me: Deal

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: Cool. Have a good day. Also…

Me: What?

Flatmate’s Cat Bailey: You need to vacuum. There’s f***ing cat hair everywhere under here.

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